Thursday, November 10, 2016

Drogon crosses Atlantic, engulfs Trump in flames

The wildest of Daenerys Targaryen's three dragons, Drogon, crossed the Atlantic Ocean and promptly enflamed and then disemboweled President-Elect, aka racist windbag Donald Trump late this afternoon.  The ferocious dragon then de-limbed the noisy moron and flung his torso aside with indifference.  Bemused onlookers eagerly captured the event on their smartphones, the videos from which quickly went viral until a few hours later when it was discovered that the FBI might have a couple emails from Anthony Weiner to Hillary Clinton's 4th cousin twice-removed, some of which contained one of the vowels also found in the word Benghazi.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Psychologists scramble to add new, sixth stage of grief in wake of Trump victory: "vomiting"

The nation's psychologists have been hurriedly incorporating a new, widespread grieving-type reaction to the revelation that Donald Trump has been elected as the next U.S. President--violent, convulsive vomiting--to the well-known 'stages of grief' model.  Apparently an involuntary reaction to the horrific news, Americans everywhere have been experiencing the wretching, nauseous behavior, prompting psychological experts to add the symptom to the other 5 established stages of grieving and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  When pressed for comment, American Psychologists Association spokesperson Sharon Bridges exclaimed, "There's no way they counted the... [sound of vomit] ... can't be ... [more puking]."

[Editor's note]: No additional details are available for publication at this time as all Leeks and Scallions staff writers have been unable to stop themselves from puking into their respective toilets, garbage cans, and on their republican-voting relatives.

Monday, October 31, 2016

New show "NCCNINS" combines gripping NCIS-style detective stories with showy CNN-style news entertainment

[CNN Breaking News]: Last night, CBS aired its pilot for a new concept in network television: a cable newsroom crime drama called NCCNINS. 

The pilot was praised quickly by TV critics as setting a new gold standard for high-sensory, low-substance content.  "I loved being able to enjoy the popular NCIS police and victim format with the showy vapidness of a major cable news network's situation room," explained critic Leon Dusperson.

Aired on both CNN and CBS simultaneously, NCCNINS' pilot episode included gory murders of characters that were obviously based on several well-known CNN personalities, including Coyote Blister, Blake the Rapper, and Anderson Cooper, with a twist at the end when it was revealed that the perpetrator was none other than co-worker Dopey Harlow.

While the reception was generally positive with polled TV viewers, several Twitter responses posted after the pilot's airing suggested that some viewers were hoping for something better, such as "Needs more zombies" and "Obama sucks".

Morningstar company unveils "Soycenta", the vegan alternative to placenta

Advocacy groups are heralding the latest fake meat product to be developed by the Morningstar company: "Soycenta", a non-organ alternative to an actual placenta.  According to Morningstar, the product will be marketed mainly to new mothers that are vegan or vegetarian and want to partake in the ritual consumption of the post-partum placenta.

Already well-known for their vegetarian breakfast links and veggie burgers, Morningstar unveiled the new fake meat product at the annual Food Growers and Buyers Convention in East Lansing, MI this week to an excited crowd of grocery chain representatives and industry specialists.  Attendees were given the chance to sample some Soycenta as well- either lightly fried or bitten raw with corn-on-the-cob holders placed at either end.

"Now everyone can enjoy the benefits of eating one's own placenta!", celebrated the Morningstar ad agent at their booth. "In addition to vegetarian moms, we are eager for everyone to enjoy this delicious treat, including new dads or simply anyone who might delight in the taste and experience of eating a placenta without having to go through the trouble of pregnancy and labor.  You can also choose to bury it to symbolize fertility or to memorialize a failed pregnancy.  And it can be encapsulated and taken as a daily pill, with all of the benefits of eating actual placenta pills, including increased milk production and insufferable self-righteousness."

An additional fake meat product still being tested by Morningstar is "Susej", a dark meat sausage representing the body of Christ for vegetarian believers in transubstantiation.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Professional barfly to earn workman's comp due to tennis elbow

[Huntsville, Delaware]  After enduring months of dull and annoying pain, professional barfly Howie Remmond announced this week that the frequent and repetitive rotation of his right elbow from 90 degrees to roughly 40 degrees has "simply become too much", thereby forcing him onto the "injured reserve list" [statement not yet confirmed, as of press time].  A longtime patron of Ginger's Roadhouse on Highway 46 (just past the Denny's but before the railroad bridge), Remmond indicated that he will be seeking Federal workman's compensation for his inability to perform such mission-critical duties as: lifting a pint glass, tilting the glass towards his mouth, holding the pint glass in the tilted position, and lowering said glass back onto the bar surface. 

Though Remmond stressed that he has never played [tennis]* or [baseball]*, he nevertheless compared his elbow pain with that suffered by long-time athletes of both sports, and added that "at least his injury showed that he wasn't a [non-muscular person]* wearing [uniforms]* all the time."

If approved, Remmond would be the first professional barfly to earn Federal workman's compensation- a benefit more commonly awarded to factory workers who have suffered major injuries, as well as typists with carpal tunnel's syndrome.  When contacted for comment, Department of Labor seasonal employee Vanessa Reynolds recited boilerplate verbage about "relevant statutes and regulations" and then asked if Remmond had "filled out a OMB1218", and [after some clarification] suggested that if he had then it would go out for processing and that she had no idea if he was the first barfly to earn the benefit, adding that she "just files the in-take forms", "wouldn't know anyway", and "is there anything else [she] can help with?"

Editors's note: upon publication of this news article, owner Ginger Pasquali of Ginger's Roadhouse wrote us to ask us to share the following: "Ginger's Roadhouse does not, as has never, employed Mr. Howard Remmond as a professional barfly, nor has he worked for our restaurant in any official capacity.  Howard has been a long-time regular at our establishment, and for that we are grateful, but we will only welcome him back once he has settled his mounting bar tab and apologized to Tina."

Remmond was most recently seen at the bar at Ruby Tuesday's, complaining loudly that his "debilitating" elbow pain had forced him to consume "[microbrewed]** beer at this [chain restaurant]** filled with [non-locals]** and [non-white non-Christian non-male non-heterosexuals]**" and added that after everything he had dedicated to his profession, the town surely owed him some "goddam gratitude".

* Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these sports and their athletes due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.

** Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these beverages, bars, and patrons due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Can you please pass the Philips head screwdriver?

No, not that one.  The Philips head.

No, that's a regular screwdriver.  I need the Philips head.

The bigger one.


Ok, now I'm gonna need the channel locks and a crescent wrench.

No, that's a needlenose.  No.  Yes.  They are different. 

No.  That's a wirestripper. 

Seriously?  That's my crimping tool! 

Haven't you ever seen a set of pliers and wrenches before?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you really not know what these things are?  Dammit.

Ok, yes, but I need the larger one.  The larger crescent.  Crescent!  It looks like a crescent!  Like the moon!  Have you ever seen the sky at night?  Get me the goddam tool that looks like a moon wrench!  Jesus Christ!! 

Yes.  Yes.  Thank you.  I'm sorry I lost my cool a little bit.  Thank you for your help.  I just can't reach any of this stuff from underneath here.  Yes.  I do appreciate your help.  Yes, you're right.  Uh huh.  I agree.

Ok, I'm gonna need a couple of those washers as well.  Yes, washers. The round metal things with the holes in the middle. No, those are nuts.  Yes.  Yes, they are similar.  I need the flat ones.  The washers.  The WASHERS!  WASHERS!!!  JUST GIVE ME SOME GODDAM WASHERS!!!!   THE FUCKING FLAT ONES!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  WASHERS!!!!  WASHERS!!!!!!!!   WASHERRRSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Don't.  Ok.. I'm sorry.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Please stop crying.  It's ok.  I know you're only 4 years old.  I know.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  No, you don't have to help me anymore.  No, it's ok.  I'm sorry.  Your new puppy just won't have a home to live in.  Yeah.  That's right.  You have yourself to thank.  It will be cold and lonely, and it won't have a home. 

You're ready now?  Ready to help?  Good. Yup, me too.  Yes.  I want the puppy to be happy too.  Yes, and warm.  Yes.  When it's done, this will be a nice little house for him.  Yes, I'm sure he will love it.  Yes.  I think so too.  Yes, we can even paint it.  I agree, and he will have blankets and a pillow in there.  Yup, lots of treats too.  I think so too.  He's going to love it.  Once we're done.  Yeah, we have two pages left in the instructions.  Two.

Merry Christmas. 

I still need the washers.

Monday, August 15, 2016

In solidarity with Trump, Scott Baio refuses to release tax returns

Actor and TV producer Scott Baio announced today that, to show support for presidential candidate Donald Trump, he too will refuse to submit his tax returns to the media.

"Ever since 'Joanie Loves Chachi' [some sort of TV show from the past] people have been on my case to run for public office," said Baio. "But now I'm all-in for Trump, baby."

"That's why none of you liberal commies are getting a peak at my [tax] returns.  No way!"

"Trump! Trump! Trump!" added Baio.

When asked to comment, the IRS simply stated that while Mr. Baio's intention to withhold disclosure is his personal right, he "has little to hide" as the returns "really aren't too exciting, except for that time after 'See Dad Run' [some other TV show] flopped when Mr. Baio apparently felt the need to itemize his purchases from Goodwill and to declare $420 in Kleenex as a business expense."

Mr. Trump could not be reached for comment, but a member of his campaign team took the opportunity to call Baio a "loser".

Monday, August 8, 2016

Werewolf only able to floss once per month

[Springville, MN]  Olive Garden Assistant Manager and area werewolf Gary McFreunolf made public today what many had already suspected: that his foul, putrid breath is due to inattention to oral hygiene.

According to McFreunolf, the situation has come about because of the particular challenges of the werewolf lifestyle- specifically, the frequency of shapeshifting and its ramifications for both changes in diet and the temporary growth of enormous canine teeth.  "It's not like I usually eat live rabbits and cats," explained McFreunolf, "it's just that once per month kind of thing, and then the bits of fur and skin and bone all get caught in between my regular teeth when my canines retract.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit out from between your teeth?  It's not possible."

The best solution, said McFreunolf, is to floss once per month, during the wolf stage while the canines are exposed, but the challenges of lycanthropy make that exceedingly difficult.  "Though I can get some of the larger chunks out, it's terribly difficult to wrap the floss around my claws, and half the time I just wind up wasting most of it."  Still, no other solution has seemed to work, leading McFreunolf to conclude that the once-per-month flossing while in wolf form is probably the best that he can do.

The ordeal has begun to affect McFreunolf's personal relationships- particularly with girlfriend Ally Strauss, who recently commented that his death breath was making her 'goddam nauseous', and instructed him to sleep at the foot of the bed or wear a mask.  "Yeah, she usually just says 'Don't touch me' and bugs me about what shirt I'm wearing and that kind of stuff most of the month until the full moon.   Then it's game on, which is nice, but I do wish we could at least spoon or something from time to time," said McFreunolf.

Others, such as co-worker Jim Torano, have been more accommodating, indicating his support of Gary's "awesome" malady and offering to set up a Go-Pro for his monthly rampages around the Springville area.  "Gary's my boy!" exclaimed Torano, despite that he has repeatedly refused to allow McFreunolf to join him when clubbing or otherwise seeking out potential single ladies at the local bar.  Another perspective came from Virginia "Ginny" Walker, who works at the neighboring Coffee Planet.  "I know his breath is brutal," said Walker, "but he's a nice guy and tips well, so I don't mind not turning away when he talks.  I just try to discretely hold my breath and murmur 'Mmm hmm' after he gives his order, and that kind of stuff.  And to not breathe in.  It's just so awful."

McFreunolf's dentist, Dr. Brian Silberg, offered to surgically remove the retractable canines and clean out the decomposing puss and other materials, but the procedure is not covered by insurance and, to date, Gary has not been able to afford it, though he indicated that he would again look into possibilities during next year's human resources Open Season.  Stated McFreunolf, "Since Obamacare passed, I thought I'd be able to undergo Dr. Silberg's surgery- especially because this is obviously a pre-existing condition and those things are supposed to be covered now.  But the lady from Blue Cross said I needed the supplemental dental plan, and her supervisor was a bitch."

Recently, Olive Garden patrons have complained of a "dead cow" smell during McFreunolf's shifts, and some have started to dine elsewhere.  Restaurant owner Jimmy Houplick expressed his frustration about the decrease in his bottom line and even threatened to fire McFreunolf if he could not resolve the problem.  "It's pretty bad," he said. "I don't know how [Strauss] even sleeps in the same apartment as him.  His mouth is like a chemical weapon!  Agent Orange!"  Houplich began to laugh to himself.  "Biological warfare!  Get under your desks!  Attack!  Attack!!"

Update: during the recent (July 19) full moon, having been laid off from his job, while in wolf-mode McFreunolf reportedly broke into a local Rite-Aid and ravaged the Scope display, biting into each container and drinking the contents.  After consuming all of the mouthwash in the store, he became inebriated and curled up to sleep next to the stuffed animals in Aisle 4.  After a short stint in jail for indecent exposure, he was most recently able to acquire employment with TSA screening carry-on baggage at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

New mother informed that baby's first smile actually just gas

A nurse at the Metro San Antonio Pediatric Care Facility kindly informed Sharely Browning that her 2 month old baby girl's apparent smile was actually just an unthinking, physiological reaction to indigestion and gas.

"I was so relieved", explained Browning afterwards, "I've been hoping [Dana] would turn out to be a repulsive, gaseous little bitch.  I couldn't be more proud!"

Dana drank 3.5 ounces of formula and passed out for the remainder of the morning and was therefore unavailable for comment.

Identical twin snowflakes forced to duel

Mild concern quickly escalated to panic in the early morning hours of the recent snowstorm, as snowflakes falling through the sky started to realize that two of their colleagues were identical.  There were gasps of horror, shrieks, convulsions of terror, and a few flakes even passed out as it became increasing apparent (as dawn broke across the horizon) that the impossible had happened: two snowflakes looked exactly the same. 

The offending pair (both shaped as dendritic flakes with plates at the end of their limbs, fern-like branches, and a densely rimed core) at first appeared to be unaware of each others' existence.  But as the morning light increased, the falling flakes were clearly distraught at the sight of their replica.  As they wisped downward, they were heard jeering at each other derisively, with taunts of "You're a freak!" and "You malformed ordinary dendrite!" and even "Irregular germ!"  And these profanities became part of an overwhelming cacophony as other snowflakes, reviled by the pair, shouted out their hateful criminations: "It's unnatural!", "Make them sinter!", and various other slanders.

So, the snowflakes did what they knew was necessary and just.  A handful of particularly repulsed flakes drifted towards each other, merged, and turned into graupel.  Their large and foreboding presence earned them the respect of all their neighbors, and they did made haste to render judgment upon the offending pair so as to restore order and dignity.

"Fellow flakes", they began, as one, "we today have witnessed something so unnatural and grotesque that were are forced to act, not just for the dignity and righteousness of our neighbors, but for the fabric of all snowflake society.  As there can be only one snowflake of a given shape, size, and composition, we declare that these two offending snowflakes be forced to duel.  To the death, for them, as we must ensure that the gospel remain correct, as it was been said across the ages and around the globe, taught to us as mere condensates grasping onto our nuclei: 'No two snowflakes look the same', and truer, more fair verses have never been spoken.  So it will be.  A duel to the death."

And snowflakes throughout the air column cheered in agreement, shouting, "To the death!  To the death!"

The offending pair approached and locked each others' glare, readied their needles as the crowd began to roar in anticipation, and suddenly the whole cohort of flakes landed on a dirty pile of deformed snow and ice, road grime, oils, and muck, and were immediately run over by a truck tire, squeezed into a crevasse in the pavement, and melted by salt monsters.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Five year, $500K NSF-funded study reveals that tourists are morons

A multidisciplinary research team representing 12 universities, 4 government agencies, 2 independent thinktanks, and 1 nonprofit group called a press conference earlier today to reveal their findings.  Said Heather Everett, a world-acclaimed economist from the University of Chicago and principle investigator for the study: "After 5 years of capacity building, strategizing and planning, pursuing grant support, collecting and analyzing data, and carefully vetting our results with expert colleagues around the world, the WGOITBRG [What Goes on in Tourists' Brains Research Group] is now ready to share our main and most important cutting-edge result, which is that tourists are morons.

"Surprisingly, very little of our input variables explained patterns in residuals other than the mere dichotomous 'yes' or 'no' dummy variable..."  (Everett took a minute to chuckle at the unintended pun)  "...of whether or not someone was on vacation.  Nothing else seemed to matter- home location, level of education, race, ethnicity, gender, trip destination, socioeconomic status, etc."

Continued Everett, "We examined differences between control group subjects (who stayed at home) and those traveling to national parks in the U.S., major cities in Europe, all-inclusive vacations in the Bahamas, safari adventures in southern Africa, trekking trips to the Himalayas and Andes, spiritual yoga retreats to India, and even road trips to Disney World.  We expected to find wide differences in tourist intelligence, resilience, and problem-solving based on the location and degree of ease related to their trip itinerary and various background factors.  In the end, however, none of that mattered, because all tourists appear to be stupifyingly-dumb mindless idiot-morons capable of the most jaw-dropping, ignorant, thoughtless, brainless bullshit imaginable."

"Quite frankly," Everett added, "we were shocked that some of these selfy-stick-using retards could even tie their own shoes."

Subsequent to additional background about the study, another team member, Gerald Von Grindewald from the U.S. State Department, provided specific examples of questions and statements made by subjects during the course of the 5 year study. The quotes, reprinted verbatim herein [see archives] but with the subject names removed to protect subjects' identities, are a small but representative subset of the overall population of responses.  Here are a few highlights:

"What's the weather like on the weekends?"
[from a tourist in Dubai]

"Rivers flow north?"
[from a tourist traveling from Lake Victoria to the Mediterranean Sea on the Nile]

"What time in the summer do the deer turn into elk?"
[from a tourist in Yellowstone National Park]

"I can't wait for the fireworks!"
[from a tourist in Paris on the afternoon of July 4th]

"I'm the king of the world!"
[from a tourist standing on the rail, leaning forward, at the front of an Alaskan cruiseship, moments before falling 100s of feet to his death into an icy fjord]

Note from the editor: the full list of quotes is quite lengthy and may be viewed in its entirety in our archives.

Everett concluded the press conference by thanking her collaborators and the NSF, and told the assembled reporters that the WGOITBRG intended to: "publish its scholarly findings in Nature and several other leading international peer-review journals" and that she anticipated future research activities to focus on comparisons between the intelligence of various household pets and tourists at all-inclusive resorts.

James Cannon, the Science and Humanity Coordinator for the nonprofit group, Light Travel, which was the only nonprofit group collaborating in the study, was heard leaving the press conference and muttering: "Scholarly?  My ass.  Jesus.  Five hundred thousand dollars for this crap, and I can't get a goddamn $12K grant to pay for minority kids to travel to their nearest park.  Jesus."

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

My rabbit is pretty ordinary

I know what you're going to say:  "He's super cute"  "Look at the way his ears flop back when he eats!"  "I love how he curls into a ball when sleeping"

I know you mean well, but the truth is that my rabbit is pretty ordinary.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  When I picked him up from the pet store, I couldn't help but notice that his teeth were square and small, and his temperament was mild-mannered and playful.  I guess I was just hopeful, but he just turned out to be a kind, peaceful, ordinary little bunny.

Yes, yes.  I know I told you he had a mean streak.  I even went so far as to litter the ground in front of him with bones, to make him look more vicious, but the truth is that those are the bones I saved from my last 50 gerbils, and that my rabbit only seems to like green lettuce and carrot pieces.

Go ahead and pet him.  See how he just playfully nibbles on your fingertips?   Adorable.  And ordinary.  I am so ashamed.

Before I got him I spent weeks converting his terrarium into a miniature mountainous landscape, with his little rabbit abode inside a cave.  I placed mutilated bodies of scores of miniature knights on the grounds all around the cave entrance and took great pains to thimble out little bits of red paint around each action figure's mangled torso.  I even created a fake rabbit track to make it clear that whatever wretched, foul, cruel creature lived inside the cave was a murderous beast not to be trifled with.  The stage was set.  Death would come to any visitor who dared approach my vile rodent!

And then I went and bought this rabbit, and my dreams were crushed.  He really is just an ordinary rabbit.  A harmless little bunny.

What's that?  What did you say, rabbit?  Did you make a cutesy little bunny sound tender enough to melt hearts, and then lay your head down on your front paws in a manner so cuddly and darling, so absolutely precious that you could charm even the most heartless, insensitive grump?

Well, fuck you, rabbit.

Monday, June 13, 2016

MARTA apologizes for any inconvenience

Commuters in the Atlanta area found signs on Metro Atlanta Regional Transportation Authority (MARTA) train platforms this morning indicating that they "Apologize for any inconvenience".

According to the informative placards: "The elevators at the Georgia State MARTA Station will be out of order for the next 7 years.  Riders wishing to disembark at the Georgia State MARTA Station who need elevators will need to stay on the train to the Five Points Station, then take the once-per-day #164 bus to Auburn St., then proceed southward to Nick's Five and Dime to purchase a Rush Pass which will allow riders to board state-of-the-art rickshaws that can be commissioned to provide rides back to the Georgia State station. Note that rides aboard the rickshaws will be provided at a first come first serve basis."

Asked about the aforementioned "inconvenience" during the evening rush hour, area commuter Janice Bardell replied, "No, it's ok.  I was able to get to work just after lunch, and [the rickshaw driver] was very understanding when I explained about my wheelchair's horn being broken.  And besides, I sure do appreciate that they're working hard to fix those elevators.  It was awful sweet of them to apologize like that!"

Other commuters were less understanding, however.  Local welder Vince Pallegno offered the following: "MARTA is a cockfucking shitfuck," and mother of two Adrienne Woods said, "Dammit! This stroller barely fits on the escalator!"

Still, by and large, MARTA riders appeared to be in an understanding and cooperative spirit during the evening commute, as evidenced by Durnest, the middle-aged homeless man wearing a red "I was at Danielle's Bat Mitzvah" t-shirt who kindly offered to pee on the platform instead of the elevator for now.

MARTA spokesperson Mary Lynn Cooke praised her staff for their diligent signage and added that her organization also plans to apologize for any future inconveniences caused by forthcoming breaks in service during siesta, lent, and in the off chance that the south rises again.

Governor of Wisconsin to ban import of onions to state

Still smarting from his failed presidential bid, Governor of Wisconsin and Tea Party darling Scott Walker announced this morning that his state will soon prohibit the import of onions.  Loved by his supporters as an anti-union crusader, the governor's spokesperson, Jerry Ledbetter, explained to confused members of the press that the governor's move is meant to maintain his momentum in the anti-union effort and to capitalize on public opinion polls suggesting that onions tend to be unpopular both because they make people cry and because they are less delicious than raspberries.  When pressed during the subsequent Q&A, Ledbetter admitted that, yes, technically onions are not the same thing as unions, but that their PR team was already crafting a new campaign to ensure that the state's citizenry would "make the link seamlessly from the sinister communist workplace welfare practice to that irritating vegetable".

"And besides", added Ledbetter, "we're out of unions, so..."

When asked for comment, the National Onion Growers Association of America sent the following statement: "Don't touch your eyes!!"

Friday, June 10, 2016

Quit eating all the safflower!

That cardinal has been sitting there, like the red bitch that he is, picking out all of the safflower seeds from the feeder and dropping the sunflower seeds on the ground.  On the ground!  For over an hour!  And it rained this morning!

I don't know about you, but I love safflower seeds.  They perfectly blend the crunchy nuttiness of spring with a bold round shape, and look so classy in their white shell.  I dream about safflower.  I close my eyes and my tail flickers with excitement when I think of them.

It took me weeks, but I found this feeder on my own.  Nobody helps me with these kinds of things.  Nobody cares about sparrows anyway...  But hey, I looked up and down the river valley for any house with a feeder that had white seeds in it.  I even accidentally ate some millet in the process.  And then I found this perfect tube, with FRESH seeds!  A blend of black sunflower and white safflower, like dinner's tuxedo.

Sunflower seeds are nice and all, but only when they're new, and crispy dry.  This jack-ass cardinal has been dropping them onto the wet ground all morning.

But safflower.  That's the shit!  And he won't budge!

I've tried squawking at him and flying by angrily. Nothing moves this jerk.  He's going to eat all the damn safflower seeds!