Thursday, November 10, 2016

Drogon crosses Atlantic, engulfs Trump in flames

The wildest of Daenerys Targaryen's three dragons, Drogon, crossed the Atlantic Ocean and promptly enflamed and then disemboweled President-Elect, aka racist windbag Donald Trump late this afternoon.  The ferocious dragon then de-limbed the noisy moron and flung his torso aside with indifference.  Bemused onlookers eagerly captured the event on their smartphones, the videos from which quickly went viral until a few hours later when it was discovered that the FBI might have a couple emails from Anthony Weiner to Hillary Clinton's 4th cousin twice-removed, some of which contained one of the vowels also found in the word Benghazi.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Psychologists scramble to add new, sixth stage of grief in wake of Trump victory: "vomiting"

The nation's psychologists have been hurriedly incorporating a new, widespread grieving-type reaction to the revelation that Donald Trump has been elected as the next U.S. President--violent, convulsive vomiting--to the well-known 'stages of grief' model.  Apparently an involuntary reaction to the horrific news, Americans everywhere have been experiencing the wretching, nauseous behavior, prompting psychological experts to add the symptom to the other 5 established stages of grieving and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  When pressed for comment, American Psychologists Association spokesperson Sharon Bridges exclaimed, "There's no way they counted the... [sound of vomit] ... can't be ... [more puking]."

[Editor's note]: No additional details are available for publication at this time as all Leeks and Scallions staff writers have been unable to stop themselves from puking into their respective toilets, garbage cans, and on their republican-voting relatives.