Thursday, September 7, 2017

God frustrated he made humans too dumb to recognize apocalypse

[Heaven] - God became visibly agitated today when it became apparent that what he had thought were his finest creation (humans) were, yet again, unable to recognize the glaring signs that their days on Earth were numbered.

"Are you kidding?" bemoaned the aggravated deity upon observing that the humans were spectacularly numb to such menacing catastrophic forces as global drought and record heat, monster hurricanes and floods, cataclysmic fires and smoke-filled skies that blot out the sun, giant earthquakes and tsunamis that drown entire cities, mass extinctions and the acidification of the oceans, ice sheets the size of countries breaking off, massive sinkholes opening and swallowing whole neighborhoods, volcanic mayhem, and an onslaught of tornadoes, mudslides, wasps, algae, disease, tea party republicans, avalanches, blizzards, giant solar flares, and Guy Fieri. 

Shaking his head in clear frustration, God wondered aloud "how damn obvious I have to make it that the end is near?" 

"50 inches of rain in a single storm.  A hurricane unlike anything those idiots have ever seen careening towards them.  Blasting heat unlike anything recorded for thousands of years.  The Bravo Network.  Trump.  How much will it take before these moronic fools get it that they are doomed?"

When asked for a reaction to God's apparent disappointment in his creation, Houston-area resident Barb Woodbridge asked for a spare smoke.  Interviewees in other locations expressed a range of reactions, all illustrating a seeming desensitivity to the dangers--as well as normal stimulii--around them, staring downward at their phones, bumping into each other and various immobile objects, only occasionally looking up in order to check the barista's cleavage when ordering a pumpkin spice latte.  For example, when pressed about the impending doom, Sioux Falls resident Dave Gampson suggested that our Leeks and Scallions reporter "suck giz".  Another interviewee in Winnemucca, Nevada, could only mumble.  Numerous interviewees in Oklahoma were unable to reply as they were preoccupied with chasing mega-tornadoes for their YouTube followers.  And the only reply we could get from anyone in Miami was some jibberish about epic waves before communications were lost due to Hurricane Irma.