[Austin, TX] Patrons of Austin's new theater-district, seafood restaurant "Cork & Hook" were forced to endure endless flowery descriptions of red and white wine options while just trying to enjoy a damn night out last Saturday night, observers reported. According to witness reports, sommelier Eric Gentry crouched next to one table after another and, with an irritatingly and unnecessarily hushed tone, pontificated endlessly about imagined flavor-forward undertones, textural murmurs, body fleshiness, and soft, velvety hues of the restaurant's various bottles. Each vineyard's narrative was presented in tortuous detail, as well as the evolutionary history of the grapes used, the acidity content of the soil, the winery's social-consciousness accolades, the quasiclerical mastery of the vintner, and even a lengthy, elementary-school level articulation of sun angles. And, above all, that each wine was loamy.
Explained one customer, "I thought it would be nice to get some advice about what wine might pare well with my weird mango halibut entrée. What a mistake. That unbearable tool of a sommelier accosted us for the next 45 minutes, perseverating about the oaky virtues of sauvignon blanc versus pinot noir, and I think he said the word loamy 15 times."
Said another, "We had to move tables. I don't even drink wine, but that asshole was crouched next to the table behind us for like an hour, and I couldn't take it anymore. If I hear 'bouquet' one more time I'm going to throw up a flower. That guy is an unctuous fuck."
According to others, the evening was made even more unendurable by Gentry's obviously fake Chilean accent.
When asked for comment, Gentry produced a spontaneous, obnoxious soliloquy about Portugal's Douro Valley and whether its reds had become better balanced by moisture-induced mildewing. He was last seen being savagely beaten with a decanter by one of the restaurant's busboys, who subsequently described Gentry's pool of blood as "puckery and medium-bodied".
