Thursday, September 15, 2016

Can you please pass the Philips head screwdriver?

No, not that one.  The Philips head.

No, that's a regular screwdriver.  I need the Philips head.

The bigger one.

Thanks.

Ok, now I'm gonna need the channel locks and a crescent wrench.

No, that's a needlenose.  No.  Yes.  They are different. 

No.  That's a wirestripper. 

Seriously?  That's my crimping tool! 

Haven't you ever seen a set of pliers and wrenches before?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you really not know what these things are?  Dammit.

Ok, yes, but I need the larger one.  The larger crescent.  Crescent!  It looks like a crescent!  Like the moon!  Have you ever seen the sky at night?  Get me the goddam tool that looks like a moon wrench!  Jesus Christ!! 

Yes.  Yes.  Thank you.  I'm sorry I lost my cool a little bit.  Thank you for your help.  I just can't reach any of this stuff from underneath here.  Yes.  I do appreciate your help.  Yes, you're right.  Uh huh.  I agree.

Ok, I'm gonna need a couple of those washers as well.  Yes, washers. The round metal things with the holes in the middle. No, those are nuts.  Yes.  Yes, they are similar.  I need the flat ones.  The washers.  The WASHERS!  WASHERS!!!  JUST GIVE ME SOME GODDAM WASHERS!!!!   THE FUCKING FLAT ONES!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  WASHERS!!!!  WASHERS!!!!!!!!   WASHERRRSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[panting...]

Don't.  Ok.. I'm sorry.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Please stop crying.  It's ok.  I know you're only 4 years old.  I know.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  No, you don't have to help me anymore.  No, it's ok.  I'm sorry.  Your new puppy just won't have a home to live in.  Yeah.  That's right.  You have yourself to thank.  It will be cold and lonely, and it won't have a home. 

You're ready now?  Ready to help?  Good. Yup, me too.  Yes.  I want the puppy to be happy too.  Yes, and warm.  Yes.  When it's done, this will be a nice little house for him.  Yes, I'm sure he will love it.  Yes.  I think so too.  Yes, we can even paint it.  I agree, and he will have blankets and a pillow in there.  Yup, lots of treats too.  I think so too.  He's going to love it.  Once we're done.  Yeah, we have two pages left in the instructions.  Two.

Merry Christmas. 

I still need the washers.