Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Town opens nation's first full-kill animal shelter

[Tooele, UT]  Citing overcrowding and a persistent lack of cute or cuddly animals, the city of Tooele, Utah, recently opened "FKUT", the nation's first Full Kill Animal Shelter.

"Yep, we just kill them all," stated Roy Bindhauf, the shelter's general manager.

When pressed, Bindhauf reassured our reporter that they "wait a couple hours to see if their owner shows up."

Tooele opted to build the state-of-the-art facility to respond to the growing need to deal with  unattended stray dogs, feral cats, household pets no longer wanted by area residents, and the existence of Pomeranians.  In addition to those animals brought in by city officials, the shelter features a check-in hatch through which animals may be dropped so that they slide down a chute leading to an oversized dumpster. Those wanting extra attention afforded their rejected feline or canine companions may opt to open the front door and dispose of their animals more humanely: by paying for them to be walked down the "farm path to heaven" (a hallway painted to look like a pastoral midwestern scene, ending in a trap door disguised as a pile of food, landing them in the same dumpster).  Finally, for those with particularly deep wallets, the staff at FKUT will temporarily place the unwanted animal in a holding pen with soft mood lighting and "Ave Maria" gently playing in the background.  After 4 hours, the animal is dumpstered if nobody elects to pay the additional "daylighting" fee.

"Business has been great," boasted Bindhauf, "When we first opened, we were probably only processing a handful of pets an hour, but a few months ago we had to get a second dumpster, and just last week we expanded our hours to include those patrons wanting to drop off their animals after bar time."  Added Bindhauf, "And we're saving a fortune on dog and kitty chow."

Perhaps surprisingly, the response from other area shelters has been supportive.  In fact, the FKUT staff recently teamed up with employees of Utah's no-kill animal shelter (NKUT) for a charity softball game fundraising event, from which 100% of the proceeds were donated to the Pure-breed Retriever Puppy Rescue Association (PRPRA), a group dedicated to finding good homes for  unwanted adorable, cuddly little brown pups with big floppy ears and oversized paws.

"No, no, no, we don't take retriever puppies," clarified Bindhauf.  "Or malamutes.  Just other breeds.  And mutts.  Yup, old dogs and young dogs.  And middle age dogs.  Oh, and cats.  Any cat is fine."


At a recent press conference, the mayor of Tooele was asked to comment on allegations of inhumane treatment of animals at the FKUT shelter, to which he responded, "Seriously, have you seen the kind of dogs people have around here?  Disgusting, ratty, foul creatures.  They're like four-legged meth addicts.  I'd rather have a wet rat."  When asked about cats, the mayor replied that his [inappropriate language omitted] ex-wife had three cats and that she was a [inappropriate language omitted] and could go [inappropriate language omitted] a horse.

The surge in revenue has recently allowed FKUT to install some feature upgrades, such as a drive-up window, a live feed on Facebook, Uber-pickup-service, and a "Petting Room" where local schoolchildren may pet the shelter's most prestigious animals for several minutes before the unwanted cats and dogs are drugged and placed on conveyor belts towards the neighboring Oscar Meyer processing plant.