Thursday, April 12, 2018

Survivor contestants vote host Jeff Probst off island

[Mamanuca Islands, Fiji]  In a shocking and unprecedented development, for the first time in its 36 installments, contestants on the popular CBS show "Survivor" chose to vote the show's host, Jeff Probst, off the island.  #backstab   #finally

"Thank god that idiot is gone," said Donathon, one of the players in this year's 'Ghost Island' version of the show.  Added Wendell, another contestant, "I thought he'd never shut up."

For 18 years, contestants on the show have struggled through bizarre, colorful, team-based and individual competitions, been subjected to a confusing potpourri of tribal names, icons, and chanting with no apparent relation to the cultural histories of the many nations (e.g. Thailand, Australia, Kenya, Vanuatu, Fiji, and many others) that have served as the show's setting, endured 24 hour videotaping, and have entertained viewers with their lack of morals, loyalty, or common decency as they continually scheme to their own individual advantages in their quest to win the grand prize: $1 million.

This year's show is filmed at several beachside campsites and a small 'tribal council' amphitheater on an island in Fiji.  Additionally, each week one player from either the Mololo and Naviti tribes is sent to the neighboring "Ghost Island" for an idyllic night of rest and relaxation in paradise, with ample food, water, and shelter, plus the chance to gain strategic advantages- all of which, for some inexplicable reason, invoke feelings of trepidation, loneliness, and self reflection in the players.  #sobstory

The players on each installment's shows are chaperoned through this process by longtime host Jeff Probst, an enthusiastic dingbat who continually shouts at them during competitions, tallies votes, repeats the totals for TV viewers with severe short term memory issues, and asks players to reflect publicly on their perceived standing in the power and clansmanship hierarchies that prove to be almost manically unstable from one hour to the next and underscore the psychopathy and social disorder that enables certain players to thrive.  For 18 years, Probst has ushered the contestants through each game- the TV version of which culminates each week with a player being voted off the island.  The show's producers work hard to maintain original ideas for the competitions, game shifts, and rule variations, in hopes of sustaining their impressive TV viewership.

And yet, in its most recent episode the contestants of Survivor surprised even the show's production crew when they nearly unanimously voted to remove Probst from the island.  Said the players in unison to the clearly-startled host, "Jeff, the tribe has spoken."   #Jeffblindside

"It was bound to happen sooner or later", explained Libby, a contestant on this year's show, "I mean, he never bothered to collect any idols, like ever, and he's been doing the show for almost 20 years."

As Probst went to read the votes aloud, he was visibly stunned and confused when opening the first one to see his own name.  "Jeff?" he inquired?  "Yup," answered Michael, another competitor, "Your day has come, man.  You've gotta go."  And as he opened another and another envelope, reading his own name, Probst slowly seemed to grasp what had happened.  Said the players, "Jeff, two.  Jeff, three.  Jeff, four.  Jeff, five.  Chris.  Jeff five, Chris one.  Jeff six, Chris, one.  Jeff seven, Chris, one.  Jeff eight, Chris, one.  Jeff nine, Chris, one.  Jeff ten, Chris, one.  Jeff eleven, Chris, one.  Jeff twelve, Chris, one."  Then finally, "And the first host to ever be voted off the island: Jeff."  #countthis  #roastProbst

The obviously-disoriented Probst was given 5 minutes to pack his bags before being escorted off the set.  Producers took advantage of the unexpected turn of events and kept the cameras rolling as he attempted to say farewell to the competitors, only to be beaten savagely with wooden idols, pelted with food reward scraps, and taunted by the players as they shouted the night's vote at him over and over again: "Jeff twelve, Chris one!  Jeff twelve, Chris one!"  Probst will now only be able to participate as a member of the show's "jury", wherein those eliminated get to determine the show's grand prize winner between the final three contenders.  #pathetic

Asked to justify their decision to remove Probst, the other players offered the following:

"He wouldn't stop screaming at us during competitions!  I get it, we're losing.  Everyone can see that.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to put a puzzle together with that moron windbag yelling at you?  It's enough that we struggled to unlock our blue bag of sand and untwirl it from the rope maze while standing on the yellow beam above the water.  We don't need to also keep hearing how we're 'way behind'."
  
"That guy was a total tool."

"I don't even think he can make fire."

The only vote cast for someone other than Jeff was Dominic's vote for Chris.  When asked why he didn't vote with the rest of the group Dominic stated: "I don't give a *$!* what those other idiots decided.  Chris is a total douchebag, and he wouldn't even make an alliance with me."  #nemesis

CBS representatives were also quick to add that they will be adding rules to prevent this situation again in future installments of the series.  They told Leeks and Scallions that next year's version of Survivor will be filmed in Ko Tao, a small picturesque island off Thailand's coast with breathtaking white sand beaches, and will again star Probst as the show's host.  Regarding this year's contract, CBS told our reporter that Probst will still get his $14 million salary, unlimited supply of rum, pineapple, and bananas, and jus primae noctis privileges for any of the players on the show.  #didnthavetoeatricetoearnamillion  #suckit  #dreamjob