[Huntsville, Delaware] After enduring months of dull and annoying pain, professional barfly Howie Remmond announced this week that the frequent and repetitive rotation of his right elbow from 90 degrees to roughly 40 degrees has "simply become too much", thereby forcing him onto the "injured reserve list" [statement not yet confirmed, as of press time]. A longtime patron of Ginger's Roadhouse on Highway 46 (just past the Denny's but before the railroad bridge), Remmond indicated that he will be seeking Federal workman's compensation for his inability to perform such mission-critical duties as: lifting a pint glass, tilting the glass towards his mouth, holding the pint glass in the tilted position, and lowering said glass back onto the bar surface.
Though Remmond stressed that he has never played [tennis]* or [baseball]*, he nevertheless compared his elbow pain with that suffered by long-time athletes of both sports, and added that "at least his injury showed that he wasn't a [non-muscular person]* wearing [uniforms]* all the time."
If approved, Remmond would be the first professional barfly to earn Federal workman's compensation- a benefit more commonly awarded to factory workers who have suffered major injuries, as well as typists with carpal tunnel's syndrome. When contacted for comment, Department of Labor seasonal employee Vanessa Reynolds recited boilerplate verbage about "relevant statutes and regulations" and then asked if Remmond had "filled out a OMB1218", and [after some clarification] suggested that if he had then it would go out for processing and that she had no idea if he was the first barfly to earn the benefit, adding that she "just files the in-take forms", "wouldn't know anyway", and "is there anything else [she] can help with?"
Editors's note: upon publication of this news article, owner Ginger Pasquali of Ginger's Roadhouse wrote us to ask us to share the following: "Ginger's Roadhouse does not, as has never, employed Mr. Howard Remmond as a professional barfly, nor has he worked for our restaurant in any official capacity. Howard has been a long-time regular at our establishment, and for that we are grateful, but we will only welcome him back once he has settled his mounting bar tab and apologized to Tina."
Remmond was most recently seen at the bar at Ruby Tuesday's, complaining
loudly that his "debilitating" elbow pain had forced him to consume
"[microbrewed]** beer at this [chain restaurant]** filled with [non-locals]** and [non-white non-Christian non-male non-heterosexuals]**" and added that after everything he had dedicated to his profession, the town surely owed him some "goddam gratitude".
* Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these sports and their athletes due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature. We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.
** Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these beverages, bars, and patrons due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature. We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.