Monday, August 15, 2016

In solidarity with Trump, Scott Baio refuses to release tax returns

Actor and TV producer Scott Baio announced today that, to show support for presidential candidate Donald Trump, he too will refuse to submit his tax returns to the media.

"Ever since 'Joanie Loves Chachi' [some sort of TV show from the past] people have been on my case to run for public office," said Baio. "But now I'm all-in for Trump, baby."

"That's why none of you liberal commies are getting a peak at my [tax] returns.  No way!"

"Trump! Trump! Trump!" added Baio.

When asked to comment, the IRS simply stated that while Mr. Baio's intention to withhold disclosure is his personal right, he "has little to hide" as the returns "really aren't too exciting, except for that time after 'See Dad Run' [some other TV show] flopped when Mr. Baio apparently felt the need to itemize his purchases from Goodwill and to declare $420 in Kleenex as a business expense."

Mr. Trump could not be reached for comment, but a member of his campaign team took the opportunity to call Baio a "loser".

Monday, August 8, 2016

Werewolf only able to floss once per month

[Springville, MN]  Olive Garden Assistant Manager and area werewolf Gary McFreunolf made public today what many had already suspected: that his foul, putrid breath is due to inattention to oral hygiene.

According to McFreunolf, the situation has come about because of the particular challenges of the werewolf lifestyle- specifically, the frequency of shapeshifting and its ramifications for both changes in diet and the temporary growth of enormous canine teeth.  "It's not like I usually eat live rabbits and cats," explained McFreunolf, "it's just that once per month kind of thing, and then the bits of fur and skin and bone all get caught in between my regular teeth when my canines retract.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit out from between your teeth?  It's not possible."

The best solution, said McFreunolf, is to floss once per month, during the wolf stage while the canines are exposed, but the challenges of lycanthropy make that exceedingly difficult.  "Though I can get some of the larger chunks out, it's terribly difficult to wrap the floss around my claws, and half the time I just wind up wasting most of it."  Still, no other solution has seemed to work, leading McFreunolf to conclude that the once-per-month flossing while in wolf form is probably the best that he can do.

The ordeal has begun to affect McFreunolf's personal relationships- particularly with girlfriend Ally Strauss, who recently commented that his death breath was making her 'goddam nauseous', and instructed him to sleep at the foot of the bed or wear a mask.  "Yeah, she usually just says 'Don't touch me' and bugs me about what shirt I'm wearing and that kind of stuff most of the month until the full moon.   Then it's game on, which is nice, but I do wish we could at least spoon or something from time to time," said McFreunolf.

Others, such as co-worker Jim Torano, have been more accommodating, indicating his support of Gary's "awesome" malady and offering to set up a Go-Pro for his monthly rampages around the Springville area.  "Gary's my boy!" exclaimed Torano, despite that he has repeatedly refused to allow McFreunolf to join him when clubbing or otherwise seeking out potential single ladies at the local bar.  Another perspective came from Virginia "Ginny" Walker, who works at the neighboring Coffee Planet.  "I know his breath is brutal," said Walker, "but he's a nice guy and tips well, so I don't mind not turning away when he talks.  I just try to discretely hold my breath and murmur 'Mmm hmm' after he gives his order, and that kind of stuff.  And to not breathe in.  It's just so awful."

McFreunolf's dentist, Dr. Brian Silberg, offered to surgically remove the retractable canines and clean out the decomposing puss and other materials, but the procedure is not covered by insurance and, to date, Gary has not been able to afford it, though he indicated that he would again look into possibilities during next year's human resources Open Season.  Stated McFreunolf, "Since Obamacare passed, I thought I'd be able to undergo Dr. Silberg's surgery- especially because this is obviously a pre-existing condition and those things are supposed to be covered now.  But the lady from Blue Cross said I needed the supplemental dental plan, and her supervisor was a bitch."

Recently, Olive Garden patrons have complained of a "dead cow" smell during McFreunolf's shifts, and some have started to dine elsewhere.  Restaurant owner Jimmy Houplick expressed his frustration about the decrease in his bottom line and even threatened to fire McFreunolf if he could not resolve the problem.  "It's pretty bad," he said. "I don't know how [Strauss] even sleeps in the same apartment as him.  His mouth is like a chemical weapon!  Agent Orange!"  Houplich began to laugh to himself.  "Biological warfare!  Get under your desks!  Attack!  Attack!!"

Update: during the recent (July 19) full moon, having been laid off from his job, while in wolf-mode McFreunolf reportedly broke into a local Rite-Aid and ravaged the Scope display, biting into each container and drinking the contents.  After consuming all of the mouthwash in the store, he became inebriated and curled up to sleep next to the stuffed animals in Aisle 4.  After a short stint in jail for indecent exposure, he was most recently able to acquire employment with TSA screening carry-on baggage at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.