Monday, October 31, 2016

Morningstar company unveils "Soycenta", the vegan alternative to placenta

Advocacy groups are heralding the latest fake meat product to be developed by the Morningstar company: "Soycenta", a non-organ alternative to an actual placenta.  According to Morningstar, the product will be marketed mainly to new mothers that are vegan or vegetarian and want to partake in the ritual consumption of the post-partum placenta.

Already well-known for their vegetarian breakfast links and veggie burgers, Morningstar unveiled the new fake meat product at the annual Food Growers and Buyers Convention in East Lansing, MI this week to an excited crowd of grocery chain representatives and industry specialists.  Attendees were given the chance to sample some Soycenta as well- either lightly fried or bitten raw with corn-on-the-cob holders placed at either end.

"Now everyone can enjoy the benefits of eating one's own placenta!", celebrated the Morningstar ad agent at their booth. "In addition to vegetarian moms, we are eager for everyone to enjoy this delicious treat, including new dads or simply anyone who might delight in the taste and experience of eating a placenta without having to go through the trouble of pregnancy and labor.  You can also choose to bury it to symbolize fertility or to memorialize a failed pregnancy.  And it can be encapsulated and taken as a daily pill, with all of the benefits of eating actual placenta pills, including increased milk production and insufferable self-righteousness."

An additional fake meat product still being tested by Morningstar is "Susej", a dark meat sausage representing the body of Christ for vegetarian believers in transubstantiation.

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