Tuesday, June 21, 2016

My rabbit is pretty ordinary

I know what you're going to say:  "He's super cute"  "Look at the way his ears flop back when he eats!"  "I love how he curls into a ball when sleeping"

I know you mean well, but the truth is that my rabbit is pretty ordinary.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  When I picked him up from the pet store, I couldn't help but notice that his teeth were square and small, and his temperament was mild-mannered and playful.  I guess I was just hopeful, but he just turned out to be a kind, peaceful, ordinary little bunny.

Yes, yes.  I know I told you he had a mean streak.  I even went so far as to litter the ground in front of him with bones, to make him look more vicious, but the truth is that those are the bones I saved from my last 50 gerbils, and that my rabbit only seems to like green lettuce and carrot pieces.

Go ahead and pet him.  See how he just playfully nibbles on your fingertips?   Adorable.  And ordinary.  I am so ashamed.

Before I got him I spent weeks converting his terrarium into a miniature mountainous landscape, with his little rabbit abode inside a cave.  I placed mutilated bodies of scores of miniature knights on the grounds all around the cave entrance and took great pains to thimble out little bits of red paint around each action figure's mangled torso.  I even created a fake rabbit track to make it clear that whatever wretched, foul, cruel creature lived inside the cave was a murderous beast not to be trifled with.  The stage was set.  Death would come to any visitor who dared approach my vile rodent!

And then I went and bought this rabbit, and my dreams were crushed.  He really is just an ordinary rabbit.  A harmless little bunny.

What's that?  What did you say, rabbit?  Did you make a cutesy little bunny sound tender enough to melt hearts, and then lay your head down on your front paws in a manner so cuddly and darling, so absolutely precious that you could charm even the most heartless, insensitive grump?

Well, fuck you, rabbit.

Monday, June 13, 2016

MARTA apologizes for any inconvenience

Commuters in the Atlanta area found signs on Metro Atlanta Regional Transportation Authority (MARTA) train platforms this morning indicating that they "Apologize for any inconvenience".

According to the informative placards: "The elevators at the Georgia State MARTA Station will be out of order for the next 7 years.  Riders wishing to disembark at the Georgia State MARTA Station who need elevators will need to stay on the train to the Five Points Station, then take the once-per-day #164 bus to Auburn St., then proceed southward to Nick's Five and Dime to purchase a Rush Pass which will allow riders to board state-of-the-art rickshaws that can be commissioned to provide rides back to the Georgia State station. Note that rides aboard the rickshaws will be provided at a first come first serve basis."

Asked about the aforementioned "inconvenience" during the evening rush hour, area commuter Janice Bardell replied, "No, it's ok.  I was able to get to work just after lunch, and [the rickshaw driver] was very understanding when I explained about my wheelchair's horn being broken.  And besides, I sure do appreciate that they're working hard to fix those elevators.  It was awful sweet of them to apologize like that!"

Other commuters were less understanding, however.  Local welder Vince Pallegno offered the following: "MARTA is a cockfucking shitfuck," and mother of two Adrienne Woods said, "Dammit! This stroller barely fits on the escalator!"

Still, by and large, MARTA riders appeared to be in an understanding and cooperative spirit during the evening commute, as evidenced by Durnest, the middle-aged homeless man wearing a red "I was at Danielle's Bat Mitzvah" t-shirt who kindly offered to pee on the platform instead of the elevator for now.

MARTA spokesperson Mary Lynn Cooke praised her staff for their diligent signage and added that her organization also plans to apologize for any future inconveniences caused by forthcoming breaks in service during siesta, lent, and in the off chance that the south rises again.

Governor of Wisconsin to ban import of onions to state

Still smarting from his failed presidential bid, Governor of Wisconsin and Tea Party darling Scott Walker announced this morning that his state will soon prohibit the import of onions.  Loved by his supporters as an anti-union crusader, the governor's spokesperson, Jerry Ledbetter, explained to confused members of the press that the governor's move is meant to maintain his momentum in the anti-union effort and to capitalize on public opinion polls suggesting that onions tend to be unpopular both because they make people cry and because they are less delicious than raspberries.  When pressed during the subsequent Q&A, Ledbetter admitted that, yes, technically onions are not the same thing as unions, but that their PR team was already crafting a new campaign to ensure that the state's citizenry would "make the link seamlessly from the sinister communist workplace welfare practice to that irritating vegetable".

"And besides", added Ledbetter, "we're out of unions, so..."

When asked for comment, the National Onion Growers Association of America sent the following statement: "Don't touch your eyes!!"

Friday, June 10, 2016

Quit eating all the safflower!

That cardinal has been sitting there, like the red bitch that he is, picking out all of the safflower seeds from the feeder and dropping the sunflower seeds on the ground.  On the ground!  For over an hour!  And it rained this morning!

I don't know about you, but I love safflower seeds.  They perfectly blend the crunchy nuttiness of spring with a bold round shape, and look so classy in their white shell.  I dream about safflower.  I close my eyes and my tail flickers with excitement when I think of them.

It took me weeks, but I found this feeder on my own.  Nobody helps me with these kinds of things.  Nobody cares about sparrows anyway...  But hey, I looked up and down the river valley for any house with a feeder that had white seeds in it.  I even accidentally ate some millet in the process.  And then I found this perfect tube, with FRESH seeds!  A blend of black sunflower and white safflower, like dinner's tuxedo.

Sunflower seeds are nice and all, but only when they're new, and crispy dry.  This jack-ass cardinal has been dropping them onto the wet ground all morning.

But safflower.  That's the shit!  And he won't budge!

I've tried squawking at him and flying by angrily. Nothing moves this jerk.  He's going to eat all the damn safflower seeds!