Still smarting from his failed presidential bid, Governor of Wisconsin and Tea Party darling Scott Walker announced this morning that his state will soon prohibit the import of onions. Loved by his supporters as an anti-union crusader, the governor's spokesperson, Jerry Ledbetter, explained to confused members of the press that the governor's move is meant to maintain his momentum in the anti-union effort and to capitalize on public opinion polls suggesting that onions tend to be unpopular both because they make people cry and because they are less delicious than raspberries. When pressed during the subsequent Q&A, Ledbetter admitted that, yes, technically onions are not the same thing as unions, but that their PR team was already crafting a new campaign to ensure that the state's citizenry would "make the link seamlessly from the sinister communist workplace welfare practice to that irritating vegetable".
"And besides", added Ledbetter, "we're out of unions, so..."
When asked for comment, the National Onion Growers Association of America sent the following statement: "Don't touch your eyes!!"