Friday, August 18, 2017

Bannon to lead task force on unemployment

BREAKING NEWS: Breitbart.com has reported that special advisor to President Trump, Steve Bannon, has been selected to lead a task force on unemployment.  An anonymous source indicated to Breitbart that Mr. Bannon was honored with the assignment early this morning, and that he is "delighted to serve the 45th president in this capacity".  According to the source, the term for the task force is indefinite.

Mr. Bannon joins several previous high profile White House staff to be honored with special non-WH duties, such as Reince Priebus, Mike Flynn, and many others who have joined similar task forces on topics including: beach combing and seashell collection, popsicles, and Alt 1040 Forms.

Sources also report that Spicey and Mooch (Sean Spicer and Anthony Scaramucci) met Mr. Bannon on his way out of the White House with celebratory drinks, skin care products, a record deal, and automatic entry into the Danielle Steele Book Club.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Firemen of Coeur D'Alene

[with insincere apologies to Dr. Seuss...]

Now, the Coeur D'Alene Hot Shots had trucks that were green.
The municipal fire crew had no colors for seein'. 
Those trucks weren’t so green. They were really so faint.
You might think such a thing wouldn't be sad to an ain't.

But, because of those trucks, all the Hot Shot firefighters
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of anti-igniters."
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the municipal sort!”

And whenever they met some, when extinguishing fires,
They’d spray water on them without distinguishing thars. 
When Hot Shots dug trenches with mighty pulaskies,
A municipal'd get scorned for even just asking.
You only could dig if your truck's sides were green
And municipal trucks were plain, as we've already seen.

When the Hot Shots hosted magnificent pancake affairs
Or picnics or parties or "pin-the-tail-on-the-hare"s,
They never invited the municipal crew.
They left them out cold, not knowing what to do.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then ONE day, it seems…while the municipal brand
Were twiddling their thumbs in the dusty dry sand,
Just sitting there wishing their trucks were adorned…
A stranger zipped up with a vanload of porn!

“My friends,” he announced in a voice clear and loud,
“My name is Sylvester McDonglebe Proud.
And I’ve heard of your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that. Come and sit in my lappie!
I’ve come here to help you. I have more than you need.
And my prices are low. I even have weed.
And satisfaction is one hundred per cent guaranteed!"

Then, quickly Sylvester McDonglebe Proud
Proud as he was to be so well-endowed
Invited them into his van for some views
As they clamored inside he related the news
“You want trucks that are green?  You want mad respect?
Of Hot Shots you are jealous, do I rightly detect?
Just pay me your money and hop right on in!”
So they clambered inside. It smelled nasty within.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked
And music was cheesy. But the thing really worked!
When the municipal fireman emerged, what a scene!
Their plain truck was colored a magnificent green!
Then they yelled at the Hot Shots with green trucks all along,
“He helped us be equals, this man with his dong!
We all drive the same, now, you who had left us!
And now we can go to your "Pancakes-for-Breakfast"s.”

“Good grief!” groaned the Hot Shots whose trucks were old-green.
“We’re still the best firemen, and they are the lean.
"But, now, when putting out blazes and sparks,
How will we detect where our trucks have been parked?"

Then came McDonglebe Proud with his drink.
And he said, “Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don’t know which truck is the best for a fire.
But your troubles aren't frightful or desperately dire.
Come into my van, and delight in my crass
My schlong is so long it can fit in my ass.
And for only a few dollars each
I'll fix up your firetrucks in wonderful peach."

And McDonglebe's van did exactly that thing
When they came out their trucks were no longer green.
Then, with hoses astride, they paraded about
And they turned on the water and they let out a shout,
“We know who is who! You municipal posers!
The best kind of firetrucks have peach-colored hosers!”

Then, of course, those municipal boys were concerned.
But they remembered the things they had learned
And slithered into Sylvester's van once again
And paid for a peach truck, and hit from his pen.

Then, suddenly, as you have probably guessed,
There was an alarm, some hot dames in distress.
And not from McDonglebe's screen came the sound
The worry was real, time for boots on the ground.
When Hot Shots and municipals heard the report,
To Sylvester McDonglebe they did retort,
"Drive away now, McDongle, head on back to Miami
Where fireman wear only a hat and a strappie.
We have fires to put out, it don't matter which color
Is their truck or ours, or one or another.
We've learned that you're wrong, and not just cause you're gross,
We're fire brothers, you see. You see we've become close.
Whether Hot Shots or municipal crews all along
Whether tiny or blessed with a gigantic dong,
We must save some ladies, their dorm rooms are smoking!"
And he left then- he knew those firemen were not joking.

And till this very day, up in those northerly parts
Those Coeur D'Alene firemen drive firetrucks like art.
With rainbows and unicorns painted a-side
Behind green and peach colors they no longer hide.
If you look very closely you might even see
From one of those damsels, a tiny baby.
And if wondering about what to get for that brat,
Whither Hot Shot or plain jane, get a red fireman's hat.
'Cause either way they will be happy with that!



[Editors' note: This article bears no similarity whatsoever to the Dr. Seuss story "The Sneetches".  It's all in your head.]

Friday, April 7, 2017

Barking puppy provokes bizarre SAT-vocabulary-speaking second personality in area man

Juvenile canine's protestations invoke apoplexy.  Fucking puppy won't shut up!  Henceforth, aspire to temper his listlessness with affirmation.  Goddam it, I'm petting you! I'm petting you!  What atrocity bedevils his placation?  Why don't you shut the fuck up already?  Midnight's stroke is twice forgotten.  It's two AM!  Its cacophonous complaints shun quiescent slumber.  Goddam it, I can't sleep..  Petulance or quixotic naivety?  Are you trying to piss me off or are you fucking stupid??

...

At long last, sleep's impediment diffuses into a redolent zephyr.  Ahhh...  Feathers morph into night's concavity.  I love my pillow...  Provident illusions bombard imagination.  zzz... 

...

The churlish prattle of the boorish beast recommences.  Arrgghhh!!  Ephemeral languidness, mercurial meditation.  I can't fucking sleep!!  Impudent imp.  Piece of shit dog!!!

...

Amiable, convivial sycophant at dawn catalyzes maudlin tomfoolery.  Isn't he cute?  Come here, buddy!  Yes, yes.  Who's the guy?  Who's the guy?  Scratches!  Scratch that belly!  Scratch that belly!  Cute, little guy!!  Who's my buddy? 

...

Sisyphean parody resumes anew.  NO!  SHUT UP!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  I HATE YOU!!!!!



[Editor's note]: Credit to www.satvocabulary.us, without which the nebulous rapport between man and puppy described herein would otherwise be ineffable.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Your dreadlocks must be this long to own that ferret

[this conversation was recorded on Sept. 26, 2017 on State St. in Madison, WI

Um, excuse me.  Sir.  Could you please stand up for a sec?  Yup, I'm being serious.  Would you mind standing up and coming on over here for just one minute?  Thanks.

Would you mind taking off your beanie?

Ok, let me see...  hmmm.  Nope, sorry, but your dreadlocks must be at least this long to own that ferret.

Listen, I know you're upset.  I'm very sorry to have to do this.  Yes, it is fair.  I put the band of red tape around my yardstick so this would be easy. I wanted to be sure I measured everyone the same.

There's no need to get mad at me about this.  I don't make the rules.  It's not my fault your dreadlocks are too short.

'Queef'?  Really?  You named your ferret Queef?  Yeah, well, I think that name sucks.  No, it's not clever, and I feel sorry for her.  Him?  Fine, ok, him.  Geez.

What have you been feeding him, anyway?  Bean burritos?  Seriously?  Yeah, I know how much they cost.  Yeah, but that's not the point.  Just because they're cheap doesn't mean your ferret should be eating that crap.  That's terrible.  And he's obviously starving.  How do I know?  Really?  Because he's eating your "Spare some love" cardboard sign.

Wait, what?  Really?  Oh my gosh.  Oh, I am so sorry.  Really.  I am terribly sorry.  This has been a terrible mistake.

Which tribe?  Chickawulpow?  No, I feel terribly but I haven't heard of that one, but that doesn't matter.  One quarter?  You are correct- that gives you an exemption.  Yes.  You can keep him.  And, again, I am so very, very sorry.  I should have asked you that at the outset.  I appreciate you letting me know.  I'm definitely not going to make that mistake again!  Yes, thank you for your understanding.  You too.

Have a nice day.






Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Elizabeth Warren censured for reading "Where the Sidewalk Ends" on Senate floor

Senate GOP leaders moved swiftly to silence and condemn Elizabeth Warren for reading poems from the best-selling Shel Silverstein book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" on the Senate floor Tuesday night.  Stated McConnell, "It was clear that she wanted to have a Hug o' War, which is an obvious violation of Senate rules."

McConnell was last seen being eaten by a boa constrictor.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to appear on "Naked and Afraid"

The BRAVO and Discovery cable TV networks announced Wednesday that the stars of the popular "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series will appear in a special season of the "Naked and Afraid" show, wherein contestants agree to spend up to 21 days enduring hardships of every kind without simple clothing or shelter.  According to the statement issued by Discovery, the merger will "revolutionize" the reality TV industry, as well as provide "high level entertainment with stars you know and love".

In typical episodes, Naked and Afraid participants arrive at a remote location- most often in a tropical, jungle setting- and are paired with a stranger of the opposite sex.  The duo are then videoed by the camera crew as they attempt to set up a primitive shelter, obtain sanitary drinking water, find food, and endure a range of hardships from insect bites to harsh weather over a 3 week timespan- all while lacking any clothing or survival training.  They are entitled to bring one tool each to help them succeed, and most opt for some kind of fire starter, cooking pot, or hunting tool.  The process is made yet more challenging by the need to work together through very difficult circumstances.

As no contestants in the history of the show have been more poorly-equipped to make it to the end of the 21 days than the beloved Housewives, the producers of the show opted to give each the ability to bring an extra tool.  They also staged the show on Waimanu Beach in Hawaii to help the ladies along, assuming that the agreeable climate and close proximity to white wine kiosks would ease their suffering. 

The staff of Leaks and Scallions were given an extensive sneak preview of the upcoming season.  Here are some highlights that we were allowed to share:

Partners Brandi Glanville and Lisa Rinna arranged to have their personal trainers each be one of their two "tools" for the show, which proved beneficial on the first night when, having no shelter, they crafted a makeshift blanket out of the naked males.

Kyle Richards started the season partnered with her sister, Kim Richards, but after 2 hours and several glasses of Zinfandel the two began arguing about which one had said the more unkind thing about the other's [naked] body type, and which apology had or had not been sincere.  They were separated, whereupon both became deeply reflective and promised to learn from the experience.

Reality TV mogul Lisa Vanderpump became confused on the first day when she realized that she would be partnered with neither a circus of undertrained twenty-something sociopathic restaurant employees nor a circus of undertalented forty-something sociopathic socialites.  Surprisingly, the camera crew was able to calm her frayed nerves by backing her into a corner and spraying her with a hose of cold ocean water and then forcing her to eat a goddam Subway sandwich. 

Eileen Davidson was able to use her two tools (a mirror and an American Express card) to make pretty patterns in the sand before she 'tapped out' within the first 16 minutes of the show.

Only Yolanda Hadid was able to make it past the second night, and impressively went on to complete the full 21 day challenge after she fashioned a lean-to shelter using a dildo and shawl, and spent the rest of her days perfecting her fake Dutch accent.

Amazingly, none of the contestants complained of hunger or lack of water as they were surprisingly accustomed to eating next to nothing and drinking wine to stay hydrated.

After the show's completion, both BRAVO and the Discovery channel plan to air a "Reunion" episode wherein they will re-broadcast the few moments of substantive entertainment from the previous 19 episodes and ask the assembled (now-clothed) Housewives to comment.  As has become customary for such events, the Housewives reportedly spent the first half of the show squabbling over who was a better friend to who and whether or not she is a bitch, and then professed their deep love for each other, cried a bit, drank some more wine, and complemented Andy for his hard work, compassion, and ability to exploit lavishly wealthy, shamelessly self-involved narcissists for personal gain.