Monday, October 31, 2016

New show "NCCNINS" combines gripping NCIS-style detective stories with showy CNN-style news entertainment

[CNN Breaking News]: Last night, CBS aired its pilot for a new concept in network television: a cable newsroom crime drama called NCCNINS. 

The pilot was praised quickly by TV critics as setting a new gold standard for high-sensory, low-substance content.  "I loved being able to enjoy the popular NCIS police and victim format with the showy vapidness of a major cable news network's situation room," explained critic Leon Dusperson.

Aired on both CNN and CBS simultaneously, NCCNINS' pilot episode included gory murders of characters that were obviously based on several well-known CNN personalities, including Coyote Blister, Blake the Rapper, and Anderson Cooper, with a twist at the end when it was revealed that the perpetrator was none other than co-worker Dopey Harlow.

While the reception was generally positive with polled TV viewers, several Twitter responses posted after the pilot's airing suggested that some viewers were hoping for something better, such as "Needs more zombies" and "Obama sucks".

Morningstar company unveils "Soycenta", the vegan alternative to placenta

Advocacy groups are heralding the latest fake meat product to be developed by the Morningstar company: "Soycenta", a non-organ alternative to an actual placenta.  According to Morningstar, the product will be marketed mainly to new mothers that are vegan or vegetarian and want to partake in the ritual consumption of the post-partum placenta.

Already well-known for their vegetarian breakfast links and veggie burgers, Morningstar unveiled the new fake meat product at the annual Food Growers and Buyers Convention in East Lansing, MI this week to an excited crowd of grocery chain representatives and industry specialists.  Attendees were given the chance to sample some Soycenta as well- either lightly fried or bitten raw with corn-on-the-cob holders placed at either end.

"Now everyone can enjoy the benefits of eating one's own placenta!", celebrated the Morningstar ad agent at their booth. "In addition to vegetarian moms, we are eager for everyone to enjoy this delicious treat, including new dads or simply anyone who might delight in the taste and experience of eating a placenta without having to go through the trouble of pregnancy and labor.  You can also choose to bury it to symbolize fertility or to memorialize a failed pregnancy.  And it can be encapsulated and taken as a daily pill, with all of the benefits of eating actual placenta pills, including increased milk production and insufferable self-righteousness."

An additional fake meat product still being tested by Morningstar is "Susej", a dark meat sausage representing the body of Christ for vegetarian believers in transubstantiation.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Professional barfly to earn workman's comp due to tennis elbow

[Huntsville, Delaware]  After enduring months of dull and annoying pain, professional barfly Howie Remmond announced this week that the frequent and repetitive rotation of his right elbow from 90 degrees to roughly 40 degrees has "simply become too much", thereby forcing him onto the "injured reserve list" [statement not yet confirmed, as of press time].  A longtime patron of Ginger's Roadhouse on Highway 46 (just past the Denny's but before the railroad bridge), Remmond indicated that he will be seeking Federal workman's compensation for his inability to perform such mission-critical duties as: lifting a pint glass, tilting the glass towards his mouth, holding the pint glass in the tilted position, and lowering said glass back onto the bar surface. 

Though Remmond stressed that he has never played [tennis]* or [baseball]*, he nevertheless compared his elbow pain with that suffered by long-time athletes of both sports, and added that "at least his injury showed that he wasn't a [non-muscular person]* wearing [uniforms]* all the time."

If approved, Remmond would be the first professional barfly to earn Federal workman's compensation- a benefit more commonly awarded to factory workers who have suffered major injuries, as well as typists with carpal tunnel's syndrome.  When contacted for comment, Department of Labor seasonal employee Vanessa Reynolds recited boilerplate verbage about "relevant statutes and regulations" and then asked if Remmond had "filled out a OMB1218", and [after some clarification] suggested that if he had then it would go out for processing and that she had no idea if he was the first barfly to earn the benefit, adding that she "just files the in-take forms", "wouldn't know anyway", and "is there anything else [she] can help with?"

Editors's note: upon publication of this news article, owner Ginger Pasquali of Ginger's Roadhouse wrote us to ask us to share the following: "Ginger's Roadhouse does not, as has never, employed Mr. Howard Remmond as a professional barfly, nor has he worked for our restaurant in any official capacity.  Howard has been a long-time regular at our establishment, and for that we are grateful, but we will only welcome him back once he has settled his mounting bar tab and apologized to Tina."

Remmond was most recently seen at the bar at Ruby Tuesday's, complaining loudly that his "debilitating" elbow pain had forced him to consume "[microbrewed]** beer at this [chain restaurant]** filled with [non-locals]** and [non-white non-Christian non-male non-heterosexuals]**" and added that after everything he had dedicated to his profession, the town surely owed him some "goddam gratitude".

* Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these sports and their athletes due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.

** Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these beverages, bars, and patrons due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.