Tuesday, June 21, 2016

My rabbit is pretty ordinary

I know what you're going to say:  "He's super cute"  "Look at the way his ears flop back when he eats!"  "I love how he curls into a ball when sleeping"

I know you mean well, but the truth is that my rabbit is pretty ordinary.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  When I picked him up from the pet store, I couldn't help but notice that his teeth were square and small, and his temperament was mild-mannered and playful.  I guess I was just hopeful, but he just turned out to be a kind, peaceful, ordinary little bunny.

Yes, yes.  I know I told you he had a mean streak.  I even went so far as to litter the ground in front of him with bones, to make him look more vicious, but the truth is that those are the bones I saved from my last 50 gerbils, and that my rabbit only seems to like green lettuce and carrot pieces.

Go ahead and pet him.  See how he just playfully nibbles on your fingertips?   Adorable.  And ordinary.  I am so ashamed.

Before I got him I spent weeks converting his terrarium into a miniature mountainous landscape, with his little rabbit abode inside a cave.  I placed mutilated bodies of scores of miniature knights on the grounds all around the cave entrance and took great pains to thimble out little bits of red paint around each action figure's mangled torso.  I even created a fake rabbit track to make it clear that whatever wretched, foul, cruel creature lived inside the cave was a murderous beast not to be trifled with.  The stage was set.  Death would come to any visitor who dared approach my vile rodent!

And then I went and bought this rabbit, and my dreams were crushed.  He really is just an ordinary rabbit.  A harmless little bunny.

What's that?  What did you say, rabbit?  Did you make a cutesy little bunny sound tender enough to melt hearts, and then lay your head down on your front paws in a manner so cuddly and darling, so absolutely precious that you could charm even the most heartless, insensitive grump?

Well, fuck you, rabbit.

No comments:

Post a Comment