Friday, August 18, 2017

Bannon to lead task force on unemployment

BREAKING NEWS: Breitbart.com has reported that special advisor to President Trump, Steve Bannon, has been selected to lead a task force on unemployment.  An anonymous source indicated to Breitbart that Mr. Bannon was honored with the assignment early this morning, and that he is "delighted to serve the 45th president in this capacity".  According to the source, the term for the task force is indefinite.

Mr. Bannon joins several previous high profile White House staff to be honored with special non-WH duties, such as Reince Priebus, Mike Flynn, and many others who have joined similar task forces on topics including: beach combing and seashell collection, popsicles, and Alt 1040 Forms.

Sources also report that Spicey and Mooch (Sean Spicer and Anthony Scaramucci) met Mr. Bannon on his way out of the White House with celebratory drinks, skin care products, a record deal, and automatic entry into the Danielle Steele Book Club.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Firemen of Coeur D'Alene

[with insincere apologies to Dr. Seuss...]

Now, the Coeur D'Alene Hot Shots had trucks that were green.
The municipal fire crew had no colors for seein'. 
Those trucks weren’t so green. They were really so faint.
You might think such a thing wouldn't be sad to an ain't.

But, because of those trucks, all the Hot Shot firefighters
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of anti-igniters."
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the municipal sort!”

And whenever they met some, when extinguishing fires,
They’d spray water on them without distinguishing thars. 
When Hot Shots dug trenches with mighty pulaskies,
A municipal'd get scorned for even just asking.
You only could dig if your truck's sides were green
And municipal trucks were plain, as we've already seen.

When the Hot Shots hosted magnificent pancake affairs
Or picnics or parties or "pin-the-tail-on-the-hare"s,
They never invited the municipal crew.
They left them out cold, not knowing what to do.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then ONE day, it seems…while the municipal brand
Were twiddling their thumbs in the dusty dry sand,
Just sitting there wishing their trucks were adorned…
A stranger zipped up with a vanload of porn!

“My friends,” he announced in a voice clear and loud,
“My name is Sylvester McDonglebe Proud.
And I’ve heard of your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that. Come and sit in my lappie!
I’ve come here to help you. I have more than you need.
And my prices are low. I even have weed.
And satisfaction is one hundred per cent guaranteed!"

Then, quickly Sylvester McDonglebe Proud
Proud as he was to be so well-endowed
Invited them into his van for some views
As they clamored inside he related the news
“You want trucks that are green?  You want mad respect?
Of Hot Shots you are jealous, do I rightly detect?
Just pay me your money and hop right on in!”
So they clambered inside. It smelled nasty within.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked
And music was cheesy. But the thing really worked!
When the municipal fireman emerged, what a scene!
Their plain truck was colored a magnificent green!
Then they yelled at the Hot Shots with green trucks all along,
“He helped us be equals, this man with his dong!
We all drive the same, now, you who had left us!
And now we can go to your "Pancakes-for-Breakfast"s.”

“Good grief!” groaned the Hot Shots whose trucks were old-green.
“We’re still the best firemen, and they are the lean.
"But, now, when putting out blazes and sparks,
How will we detect where our trucks have been parked?"

Then came McDonglebe Proud with his drink.
And he said, “Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don’t know which truck is the best for a fire.
But your troubles aren't frightful or desperately dire.
Come into my van, and delight in my crass
My schlong is so long it can fit in my ass.
And for only a few dollars each
I'll fix up your firetrucks in wonderful peach."

And McDonglebe's van did exactly that thing
When they came out their trucks were no longer green.
Then, with hoses astride, they paraded about
And they turned on the water and they let out a shout,
“We know who is who! You municipal posers!
The best kind of firetrucks have peach-colored hosers!”

Then, of course, those municipal boys were concerned.
But they remembered the things they had learned
And slithered into Sylvester's van once again
And paid for a peach truck, and hit from his pen.

Then, suddenly, as you have probably guessed,
There was an alarm, some hot dames in distress.
And not from McDonglebe's screen came the sound
The worry was real, time for boots on the ground.
When Hot Shots and municipals heard the report,
To Sylvester McDonglebe they did retort,
"Drive away now, McDongle, head on back to Miami
Where fireman wear only a hat and a strappie.
We have fires to put out, it don't matter which color
Is their truck or ours, or one or another.
We've learned that you're wrong, and not just cause you're gross,
We're fire brothers, you see. You see we've become close.
Whether Hot Shots or municipal crews all along
Whether tiny or blessed with a gigantic dong,
We must save some ladies, their dorm rooms are smoking!"
And he left then- he knew those firemen were not joking.

And till this very day, up in those northerly parts
Those Coeur D'Alene firemen drive firetrucks like art.
With rainbows and unicorns painted a-side
Behind green and peach colors they no longer hide.
If you look very closely you might even see
From one of those damsels, a tiny baby.
And if wondering about what to get for that brat,
Whither Hot Shot or plain jane, get a red fireman's hat.
'Cause either way they will be happy with that!



[Editors' note: This article bears no similarity whatsoever to the Dr. Seuss story "The Sneetches".  It's all in your head.]