Thursday, February 16, 2017

Your dreadlocks must be this long to own that ferret

[this conversation was recorded on Sept. 26, 2017 on State St. in Madison, WI

Um, excuse me.  Sir.  Could you please stand up for a sec?  Yup, I'm being serious.  Would you mind standing up and coming on over here for just one minute?  Thanks.

Would you mind taking off your beanie?

Ok, let me see...  hmmm.  Nope, sorry, but your dreadlocks must be at least this long to own that ferret.

Listen, I know you're upset.  I'm very sorry to have to do this.  Yes, it is fair.  I put the band of red tape around my yardstick so this would be easy. I wanted to be sure I measured everyone the same.

There's no need to get mad at me about this.  I don't make the rules.  It's not my fault your dreadlocks are too short.

'Queef'?  Really?  You named your ferret Queef?  Yeah, well, I think that name sucks.  No, it's not clever, and I feel sorry for her.  Him?  Fine, ok, him.  Geez.

What have you been feeding him, anyway?  Bean burritos?  Seriously?  Yeah, I know how much they cost.  Yeah, but that's not the point.  Just because they're cheap doesn't mean your ferret should be eating that crap.  That's terrible.  And he's obviously starving.  How do I know?  Really?  Because he's eating your "Spare some love" cardboard sign.

Wait, what?  Really?  Oh my gosh.  Oh, I am so sorry.  Really.  I am terribly sorry.  This has been a terrible mistake.

Which tribe?  Chickawulpow?  No, I feel terribly but I haven't heard of that one, but that doesn't matter.  One quarter?  You are correct- that gives you an exemption.  Yes.  You can keep him.  And, again, I am so very, very sorry.  I should have asked you that at the outset.  I appreciate you letting me know.  I'm definitely not going to make that mistake again!  Yes, thank you for your understanding.  You too.

Have a nice day.

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