With top shelf rights on the line, Fuel TV announced to excited fans late Monday night their plans to air a 4 round, cage-match-style UFC competition between the two matrons of the syrup industry.
The competitors were quick to assert themselves on social media. Mrs. Butterworth, standing straight and even, with her arms neatly folded on each side, looked straight at the camera and boasted that her victory would be “Thick and Rich”. Added Butterworth, “Drip, drip, pour like watery maple. Delicious.”
Aunt Jemima did not back down. “Get ready for 36 fluid ounces of the Original Recipe to pour over you like a viscous tsunami, bitch!”
Event organizers were quick to promote everything from pancake punching during rest periods in between rounds, free syrup showers, one-time-only Make America Sticky Again hat sales at concessions, bottle squeezing, and a lifetime supply of handy wipes.
“This might be the most exciting event we’ve promoted since the famous TKO showdown between Ben and Jerry four years ago,” shouted one of the organizers after tossing an empty Monster Drink can aside. “When Ben pulled out the Chewy Gooey Cookie slap in round 3, I thought Jerry was done for. But I couldn’t believe he’d hidden a metal ice cream scoop in his boot. I don’t think they ever wound up finding Ben’s left eye. Shit was awesome!”
While not receiving nearly the attention as the center stage event, a bronze belt match between Log Cabin and Hungry Jack was also announced, with the winner entitled to a lifetime supply of high fructose sweetener and a subscription to Diabetes Now Magazine.
“All I need is 45 seconds on High, and I’ll burn that Cabin up!!” screamed Jack before blowing his red cap and showering the room.
No ants were available to comment.
