Area barrista forced to endure third hour of local folk-tap dancing-Americana duo, "Tappentime Turpentine!"

[Iowa City, IA] Stuck behind the Beans & Brews drink counter for the duration of Tuesday evening's event, local barrista Sean Bradshire barely managed to withstand the over-amplified, sappy-sweet set from local musicians and performers "Tappentime Turpentine!".  Known for their unique, vaudeville-esque blend of family-friendly folk covers, throwback clothing, and off-tempo tap dancing, the garish act pushed into its third hour, oblivious of the increasingly vacant coffeeshop and pained expressions of all those within earshot.  Grimaced Bradshire, "Jesus, when will it end? I keep hoping someone will come in and order a smoothie so I can drown that shit-garbage out with the blender."

Donning grey, turn-of-century sack coats, flat caps, bright makeup, and sparkling purple tap shoes, Tappentime Turpentine! lead singer Merrell Flynn's inflappable wide smile didn't falter as she eagerly stumbled through their cover of the Croce classic, "You Don’t Mess Around With Jim" whie prancing around the makeshift stage in the corner of the shop, causing local patrons to nervously avert eye contact and pretend to text.  Others packed up laptops and to-go cups and attempted to surreptitiously exit the cafe.  Bradshire left the espresso steamer on for three straight minutes while talking to a handful of customers in the far corner.

Unconcerned, Flynn boldly led the duo into their third hour of music and dancing with a lively version of "If I had a hammer" set to waltz-like prancing and the occasional kazoo.

"Aren't they magnificent?!" adored opening act, the "Avant Guards of Nottingham Forest", sitting at a roundtop near the front.  "I'm just so proud of [Flynn].  It was her dream to leave [Gregor and Fitch Law Firm], and she did it.  She followed her passion!  You go get ‘em, girl!!"

Bradshire was last seen heading out the back door for a “quick smoke break” that lasted through the final 45 minutes of the show, sparing him Tappentime Turpentine!’s 16 minute rendition of “American Pie” and their failed attempt to get the crowd to sing along to “This land is your land” while Flynn flitted around the room in her tap shoes like a percussion fairy.

Fuel TV to air cage match between Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth

With top shelf rights on the line, Fuel TV announced to excited fans late Monday night their plans to air a 4 round, cage-match-style UFC competition between the two matrons of the syrup industry. 

The competitors were quick to assert themselves on social media. Mrs. Butterworth, standing straight and even, with her arms neatly folded on each side, looked straight at the camera and boasted that her victory would be “Thick and Rich”. Added Butterworth, “Drip, drip, pour like watery maple. Delicious.”

Aunt Jemima did not back down. “Get ready for 36 fluid ounces of the Original Recipe to pour over you like a viscous tsunami, bitch!”

Event organizers were quick to promote everything from pancake punching during rest periods in between rounds, free syrup showers, one-time-only Make America Sticky Again hat sales at concessions, bottle squeezing, and a lifetime supply of handy wipes.

“This might be the most exciting event we’ve promoted since the famous TKO showdown between Ben and Jerry four years ago,” shouted one of the organizers after tossing an empty Monster Drink can aside. “When Ben pulled out the Chewy Gooey Cookie slap in round 3, I thought Jerry was done for.  But I couldn’t believe he’d hidden a metal ice cream scoop in his boot. I don’t think they ever wound up finding Ben’s left eye. Shit was awesome!”

While not receiving nearly the attention as the center stage event, a bronze belt match between Log Cabin and Hungry Jack was also announced, with the winner entitled to a lifetime supply of high fructose sweetener and a subscription to Diabetes Now Magazine.

“All I need is 45 seconds on High, and I’ll burn that Cabin up!!” screamed Jack before blowing his red cap and showering the room.

No ants were available to comment.

Area man arrested for impromptu gender reveal

Despite his protestations that the "big surprise" was in fact a sanctioned, time-honored event, 52 year old Memphis resident Harold (Harry) Greenblat was arrested by local police Wednesday afternoon and taken into custody after reportedly dropping his pants in the middle of Morris Park and trying to blow up a blue balloon with his ass.  

"It's a boy!" he exclaimed gleefully to the horrified onlookers, according to regretful eyewitness reports.  

Greenblat then allegedly began covering his penis in pastel blue silly string and screaming the lyrics to "Blue Moon" until police were finally able to restrain him when he tripped while reaching for a tray of uneaten cupcakes. He was escorted from the scene in handcuffs.

According to the police report, the arresting officers won the "What's in the Nappy?" game later on that day after Greenblat shat in the backseat of their squad car. 

"Damn, that was repulsive," offered one of the officers, "but I'll be damned if it didn't have a slightly gray-cobalt, almost ocean-like hue when held up in the sunlight. That guy really pulled out all the stops." 

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