Area barrista forced to endure third hour of local folk-tap dancing-Americana duo, "Tappentime Turpentine!"

[Iowa City, IA] Stuck behind the Beans & Brews drink counter for the duration of Tuesday evening's event, local barrista Sean Bradshire barely managed to withstand the over-amplified, sappy-sweet set from local musicians and performers "Tappentime Turpentine!".  Known for their unique, vaudeville-esque blend of family-friendly folk covers, throwback clothing, and off-tempo tap dancing, the garish act pushed into its third hour, oblivious of the increasingly vacant coffeeshop and pained expressions of all those within earshot.  Grimaced Bradshire, "Jesus, when will it end? I keep hoping someone will come in and order a smoothie so I can drown that shit-garbage out with the blender."

Donning grey, turn-of-century sack coats, flat caps, bright makeup, and sparkling purple tap shoes, Tappentime Turpentine! lead singer Merrell Flynn's inflappable wide smile didn't falter as she eagerly stumbled through their cover of the Croce classic, "You Don’t Mess Around With Jim" whie prancing around the makeshift stage in the corner of the shop, causing local patrons to nervously avert eye contact and pretend to text.  Others packed up laptops and to-go cups and attempted to surreptitiously exit the cafe.  Bradshire left the espresso steamer on for three straight minutes while talking to a handful of customers in the far corner.

Unconcerned, Flynn boldly led the duo into their third hour of music and dancing with a lively version of "If I had a hammer" set to waltz-like prancing and the occasional kazoo.

"Aren't they magnificent?!" adored opening act, the "Avant Guards of Nottingham Forest", sitting at a roundtop near the front.  "I'm just so proud of [Flynn].  It was her dream to leave [Gregor and Fitch Law Firm], and she did it.  She followed her passion!  You go get ‘em, girl!!"

Bradshire was last seen heading out the back door for a “quick smoke break” that lasted through the final 45 minutes of the show, sparing him Tappentime Turpentine!’s 16 minute rendition of “American Pie” and their failed attempt to get the crowd to sing along to “This land is your land” while Flynn flitted around the room in her tap shoes like a percussion fairy.

Fuel TV to air cage match between Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth

With top shelf rights on the line, Fuel TV announced to excited fans late Monday night their plans to air a 4 round, cage-match-style UFC competition between the two matrons of the syrup industry. 

The competitors were quick to assert themselves on social media. Mrs. Butterworth, standing straight and even, with her arms neatly folded on each side, looked straight at the camera and boasted that her victory would be “Thick and Rich”. Added Butterworth, “Drip, drip, pour like watery maple. Delicious.”

Aunt Jemima did not back down. “Get ready for 36 fluid ounces of the Original Recipe to pour over you like a viscous tsunami, bitch!”

Event organizers were quick to promote everything from pancake punching during rest periods in between rounds, free syrup showers, one-time-only Make America Sticky Again hat sales at concessions, bottle squeezing, and a lifetime supply of handy wipes.

“This might be the most exciting event we’ve promoted since the famous TKO showdown between Ben and Jerry four years ago,” shouted one of the organizers after tossing an empty Monster Drink can aside. “When Ben pulled out the Chewy Gooey Cookie slap in round 3, I thought Jerry was done for.  But I couldn’t believe he’d hidden a metal ice cream scoop in his boot. I don’t think they ever wound up finding Ben’s left eye. Shit was awesome!”

While not receiving nearly the attention as the center stage event, a bronze belt match between Log Cabin and Hungry Jack was also announced, with the winner entitled to a lifetime supply of high fructose sweetener and a subscription to Diabetes Now Magazine.

“All I need is 45 seconds on High, and I’ll burn that Cabin up!!” screamed Jack before blowing his red cap and showering the room.

No ants were available to comment.

Area man arrested for impromptu gender reveal

Despite his protestations that the "big surprise" was in fact a sanctioned, time-honored event, 52 year old Memphis resident Harold (Harry) Greenblat was arrested by local police Wednesday afternoon and taken into custody after reportedly dropping his pants in the middle of Morris Park and trying to blow up a blue balloon with his ass.  

"It's a boy!" he exclaimed gleefully to the horrified onlookers, according to regretful eyewitness reports.  

Greenblat then allegedly began covering his penis in pastel blue silly string and screaming the lyrics to "Blue Moon" until police were finally able to restrain him when he tripped while reaching for a tray of uneaten cupcakes. He was escorted from the scene in handcuffs.

According to the police report, the arresting officers won the "What's in the Nappy?" game later on that day after Greenblat shat in the backseat of their squad car. 

"Damn, that was repulsive," offered one of the officers, "but I'll be damned if it didn't have a slightly gray-cobalt, almost ocean-like hue when held up in the sunlight. That guy really pulled out all the stops." 

How to contact the writer

1. Try harder.

2. Perhaps it’s your fault?

3. Dog whistle 

4. Text MYHUMP to 4321

5. Send gift cards to jclaytonuu@gmail.com

6. Bat signal

7. Strategize

8. FU

Area hero puts a link for that in the chat

Online participants were astounded last Tuesday morning when, midway though a mandatory HR presentation about the new telework policy enacted for U.S. Forest Service (USFS) employees working in the Shenandoah National Forest, co-presenter Davis Blough provided a link to the official policy in the chat box. 

Normally reserved for quips, long-winded anecdotes, smiley emojis, and questions asking about content already covered at the top of the meeting with the requisite apology for being late, Blough stunned participants when he cut and pasted the web location of the HR telework policy into the chat.  Meeting attendees paused in collective silence in astonishment at Blough's resourcefulness and bravery, and it was several minutes before any new content was added.

Meanwhile, USFS Human Resources Management Specialist and main presenter Jerry Schmitz, unaware of Blough's heroic feat, proceeded to the next slide covering a detailed review of Forest Service policy on taking home mouse pads during telework days.  

"I was really shocked" admitted Shari Westin, a Resource Analyst for the Forest. "I was sort of half listening to the latest of these required Model Workplace meetings while playing yahtzee on my phone when I noticed that the entire chat window had been filled with a link to something.  I clicked it and it took me to this internal document or something from HQ.  A few minutes later I realized it was, apparently, our official telework and home office rules."  Clearly moved, Westin paused to collect her thoughts and then added, "I didn't even know this document existed."

Blough was unavailable for comment.  Despite his little green dot remaining on, participants did not receive addition contributions from Blough during the remaining 40 minutes of the meeting.  Said Schmitz, "...and once you get supervisor and IT approval you can check out one mouse pad per person from the storage closet in Sperryville.  As we move towards supporting the Secretary's vision for building model workplaces, we wanted you to know that we have your back while you telework!  Mousepad checkout periods may not exceed 30 days without additional approval signatures on the associated SF2384, in boxes 8 to 10.  Please make sure these signatures are not the same approvers as on your previous form and that you are using the most recent version of the SF2384, which can be found on our sharepoint."

As of this printing, 14 of the 149 online meeting attendees had clicked Blough's daring link, and two had bookmarked the site for future reference.

"I have to say it was pretty special," declared Steve Lattimore, a Labor Specialist for the Forest and widely-respected for dropping hilarious memes into chats during online trainings as well as other antics. "To so quickly share that telework pdf.  I dunno...  I mean, pretty darn courageous, right?  Wow, just wow.  And now everyone has it!"  

"I wonder where Dave took that background picture," Lattimore added thoughtfully.

Your b is a d. Fix it, asshole.

Is that supposed to be a q?  Yours is a g.  Let me show you the difference.  Yes.  Because they're different letters.  And you need a u after the q.  Yes, every time.

Ok, let me take a look.  Ok..  hmm..  um..  no, it shouldn't have an apostrophe.  Why?  Well, words that are apostrophe s indicate that something is, so..  it is marker?  No.  And fix the there in the next line.  Why?  Because it's wrong.  You want the possessive.  Yes.  Different spelling.  To indicate possessiveness.  Yes.  Fix it, please, then come show me your corrected paragraph.

How about you?  Let me see.  You missed some capitals.  The first word of every sentence.  Remember?  Yes, every time.  I'm sorry, but yes I'm going to mark that wrong.  Yes!  You need to capitalize!  Where?  In the first line!  And you need spaces after your periods.  And then the next word is capitalized.  After the period.  Because it's a new sentence.  How are you not understanding this?  Make it a capital G.

Your hero is your dady?  Seriously?  You don't have anyone else you can think of?  Sure, fine.  But it has two d's.

I know they sound the same, but cherry is with a ch and tree is with a tr.  No, it's t r e e.  Let me see the rest. .. Ok, not bad but work on some spelling.  I know it's a hard one, but remember what we talked about with words that end in o u l d.  So, it's s h o u l d.  Not s h u d.  And friend is another hard one.  And don't forget the silent e- you're missing that a few times.  Like here.  It would be pronounced rop.  Make the o say its name.  With the silent e.  No, that would be wip.  You need the e.  Yes!  Here's a dictionary so you can check on these yourself.  What?  Because they're alphabetical.  You turn the book to the page for that letter series.  Because it's alphabetical!  So for that you'd start with s, and then t, and so on and you'd find it on that page.  Because it's arranged by letter!  How is this complicated?  Just try!  This is a kid's dictionary!  Yes, you'll be able to do it, and pay attention to the silent e.  Because otherwise it's the wrong word!  It's not strip.  No!  Wait, what?  What are you writing, anyway?

Ok, how about you.  Let's start by putting your name at the top.  Yes, every time.  Slowly, please, so I can read it.  With an a before the e.  Like I reminded you yesterday.  Yes.  It's your name!  How are you still getting this wrong?  M i c h a e l.  Yes!  Like we talked about yesterday!  Yes, put it at the top of each page.  Because you can't spell your own damn name!  

F r o m.  Not u.  Because it's a sight word!  We spent two weeks on this!  Last week and the week before!  

What is this?  What's nachur?  Oh, you mean n a t u r e?  Yes, go ahead and fix that.  Because it's wrong.  N a t u r e.  No ch.  Nope.  I get it, but no.  Because it's wrong.  Because it's wrong!  It's wrong!  Why are you arguing with me.  It's spelled wrong!  And add an a to goat.  Because otherwise it's got!  Does that really look right to you?  Go sit in the corner.  I don't know.  Awhile.

You b is a d.  Fix it, asshole.

Insufferable sommelier prick thinks every wine is loamy

 [Austin, TX]  Patrons of Austin's new theater-district, seafood restaurant "Cork & Hook" were forced to endure endless flowery descriptions of red and white wine options while just trying to enjoy a damn night out last Saturday night, observers reported.  According to witness reports, sommelier Eric Gentry crouched next to one table after another and, with an irritatingly and unnecessarily hushed tone, pontificated endlessly about imagined flavor-forward undertones, textural murmurs, body fleshiness, and soft, velvety hues of the restaurant's various bottles.  Each vineyard's narrative was presented in tortuous detail, as well as the evolutionary history of the grapes used, the acidity content of the soil, the winery's social-consciousness accolades, the quasiclerical mastery of the vintner, and even a lengthy, elementary-school level articulation of sun angles.  And, above all, that each wine was loamy.

Explained one customer, "I thought it would be nice to get some advice about what wine might pare well with my weird mango halibut entrée.  What a mistake.  That unbearable tool of a sommelier accosted us for the next 45 minutes, perseverating about the oaky virtues of sauvignon blanc versus pinot noir, and I think he said the word loamy 15 times."

Said another, "We had to move tables.  I don't even drink wine, but that asshole was crouched next to the table behind us for like an hour, and I couldn't take it anymore.  If I hear 'bouquet' one more time I'm going to throw up a flower.  That guy is an unctuous fuck."

According to others, the evening was made even more unendurable by Gentry's obviously fake Chilean accent.

When asked for comment, Gentry produced a spontaneous, obnoxious soliloquy about Portugal's Douro Valley and whether its reds had become better balanced by moisture-induced mildewing.  He was last seen being savagely beaten with a decanter by one of the restaurant's busboys, who subsequently described Gentry's pool of blood as "puckery and medium-bodied".