New show "NCCNINS" combines gripping NCIS-style detective stories with showy CNN-style news entertainment

[CNN Breaking News]: Last night, CBS aired its pilot for a new concept in network television: a cable newsroom crime drama called NCCNINS. 

The pilot was praised quickly by TV critics as setting a new gold standard for high-sensory, low-substance content.  "I loved being able to enjoy the popular NCIS police and victim format with the showy vapidness of a major cable news network's situation room," explained critic Leon Dusperson.

Aired on both CNN and CBS simultaneously, NCCNINS' pilot episode included gory murders of characters that were obviously based on several well-known CNN personalities, including Coyote Blister, Blake the Rapper, and Anderson Cooper, with a twist at the end when it was revealed that the perpetrator was none other than co-worker Dopey Harlow.

While the reception was generally positive with polled TV viewers, several Twitter responses posted after the pilot's airing suggested that some viewers were hoping for something better, such as "Needs more zombies" and "Obama sucks".

Morningstar company unveils "Soycenta", the vegan alternative to placenta

Advocacy groups are heralding the latest fake meat product to be developed by the Morningstar company: "Soycenta", a non-organ alternative to an actual placenta.  According to Morningstar, the product will be marketed mainly to new mothers that are vegan or vegetarian and want to partake in the ritual consumption of the post-partum placenta.

Already well-known for their vegetarian breakfast links and veggie burgers, Morningstar unveiled the new fake meat product at the annual Food Growers and Buyers Convention in East Lansing, MI this week to an excited crowd of grocery chain representatives and industry specialists.  Attendees were given the chance to sample some Soycenta as well- either lightly fried or bitten raw with corn-on-the-cob holders placed at either end.

"Now everyone can enjoy the benefits of eating one's own placenta!", celebrated the Morningstar ad agent at their booth. "In addition to vegetarian moms, we are eager for everyone to enjoy this delicious treat, including new dads or simply anyone who might delight in the taste and experience of eating a placenta without having to go through the trouble of pregnancy and labor.  You can also choose to bury it to symbolize fertility or to memorialize a failed pregnancy.  And it can be encapsulated and taken as a daily pill, with all of the benefits of eating actual placenta pills, including increased milk production and insufferable self-righteousness."

An additional fake meat product still being tested by Morningstar is "Susej", a dark meat sausage representing the body of Christ for vegetarian believers in transubstantiation.

Professional barfly to earn workman's comp due to tennis elbow

[Huntsville, Delaware]  After enduring months of dull and annoying pain, professional barfly Howie Remmond announced this week that the frequent and repetitive rotation of his right elbow from 90 degrees to roughly 40 degrees has "simply become too much", thereby forcing him onto the "injured reserve list" [statement not yet confirmed, as of press time].  A longtime patron of Ginger's Roadhouse on Highway 46 (just past the Denny's but before the railroad bridge), Remmond indicated that he will be seeking Federal workman's compensation for his inability to perform such mission-critical duties as: lifting a pint glass, tilting the glass towards his mouth, holding the pint glass in the tilted position, and lowering said glass back onto the bar surface. 

Though Remmond stressed that he has never played [tennis]* or [baseball]*, he nevertheless compared his elbow pain with that suffered by long-time athletes of both sports, and added that "at least his injury showed that he wasn't a [non-muscular person]* wearing [uniforms]* all the time."

If approved, Remmond would be the first professional barfly to earn Federal workman's compensation- a benefit more commonly awarded to factory workers who have suffered major injuries, as well as typists with carpal tunnel's syndrome.  When contacted for comment, Department of Labor seasonal employee Vanessa Reynolds recited boilerplate verbage about "relevant statutes and regulations" and then asked if Remmond had "filled out a OMB1218", and [after some clarification] suggested that if he had then it would go out for processing and that she had no idea if he was the first barfly to earn the benefit, adding that she "just files the in-take forms", "wouldn't know anyway", and "is there anything else [she] can help with?"


Editors's note: upon publication of this news article, owner Ginger Pasquali of Ginger's Roadhouse wrote us to ask us to share the following: "Ginger's Roadhouse does not, as has never, employed Mr. Howard Remmond as a professional barfly, nor has he worked for our restaurant in any official capacity.  Howard has been a long-time regular at our establishment, and for that we are grateful, but we will only welcome him back once he has settled his mounting bar tab and apologized to Tina."

Remmond was most recently seen at the bar at Ruby Tuesday's, complaining loudly that his "debilitating" elbow pain had forced him to consume "[microbrewed]** beer at this [chain restaurant]** filled with [non-locals]** and [non-white non-Christian non-male non-heterosexuals]**" and added that after everything he had dedicated to his profession, the town surely owed him some "goddam gratitude".



* Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these sports and their athletes due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.

** Leeks and Scallions has chosen to edit the actual terms Remmond used to describe these beverages, bars, and patrons due to their derogatory and culturally-insensitive nature.  We apologize for the inauthenticity of our paraphrasing, as well as any inconvenience this may have caused.

Can you please pass the Philips head screwdriver?

No, not that one.  The Philips head.

No, that's a regular screwdriver.  I need the Philips head.

The bigger one.

Thanks.

Ok, now I'm gonna need the channel locks and a crescent wrench.

No, that's a needlenose.  No.  Yes.  They are different. 

No.  That's a wirestripper. 

Seriously?  That's my crimping tool! 

Haven't you ever seen a set of pliers and wrenches before?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you really not know what these things are?  Dammit.

Ok, yes, but I need the larger one.  The larger crescent.  Crescent!  It looks like a crescent!  Like the moon!  Have you ever seen the sky at night?  Get me the goddam tool that looks like a moon wrench!  Jesus Christ!! 

Yes.  Yes.  Thank you.  I'm sorry I lost my cool a little bit.  Thank you for your help.  I just can't reach any of this stuff from underneath here.  Yes.  I do appreciate your help.  Yes, you're right.  Uh huh.  I agree.

Ok, I'm gonna need a couple of those washers as well.  Yes, washers. The round metal things with the holes in the middle. No, those are nuts.  Yes.  Yes, they are similar.  I need the flat ones.  The washers.  The WASHERS!  WASHERS!!!  JUST GIVE ME SOME GODDAM WASHERS!!!!   THE FUCKING FLAT ONES!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  WASHERS!!!!  WASHERS!!!!!!!!   WASHERRRSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[panting...]

Don't.  Ok.. I'm sorry.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Please stop crying.  It's ok.  I know you're only 4 years old.  I know.  Stop crying.  I'm sorry.  No, you don't have to help me anymore.  No, it's ok.  I'm sorry.  Your new puppy just won't have a home to live in.  Yeah.  That's right.  You have yourself to thank.  It will be cold and lonely, and it won't have a home. 

You're ready now?  Ready to help?  Good. Yup, me too.  Yes.  I want the puppy to be happy too.  Yes, and warm.  Yes.  When it's done, this will be a nice little house for him.  Yes, I'm sure he will love it.  Yes.  I think so too.  Yes, we can even paint it.  I agree, and he will have blankets and a pillow in there.  Yup, lots of treats too.  I think so too.  He's going to love it.  Once we're done.  Yeah, we have two pages left in the instructions.  Two.

Merry Christmas. 

I still need the washers.

In solidarity with Trump, Scott Baio refuses to release tax returns

Actor and TV producer Scott Baio announced today that, to show support for presidential candidate Donald Trump, he too will refuse to submit his tax returns to the media.

"Ever since 'Joanie Loves Chachi' [some sort of TV show from the past] people have been on my case to run for public office," said Baio. "But now I'm all-in for Trump, baby."

"That's why none of you liberal commies are getting a peak at my [tax] returns.  No way!"

"Trump! Trump! Trump!" added Baio.

When asked to comment, the IRS simply stated that while Mr. Baio's intention to withhold disclosure is his personal right, he "has little to hide" as the returns "really aren't too exciting, except for that time after 'See Dad Run' [some other TV show] flopped when Mr. Baio apparently felt the need to itemize his purchases from Goodwill and to declare $420 in Kleenex as a business expense."

Mr. Trump could not be reached for comment, but a member of his campaign team took the opportunity to call Baio a "loser".

Werewolf only able to floss once per month

[Springville, MN]  Olive Garden Assistant Manager and area werewolf Gary McFreunolf made public today what many had already suspected: that his foul, putrid breath is due to inattention to oral hygiene.

According to McFreunolf, the situation has come about because of the particular challenges of the werewolf lifestyle- specifically, the frequency of shapeshifting and its ramifications for both changes in diet and the temporary growth of enormous canine teeth.  "It's not like I usually eat live rabbits and cats," explained McFreunolf, "it's just that once per month kind of thing, and then the bits of fur and skin and bone all get caught in between my regular teeth when my canines retract.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit out from between your teeth?  It's not possible."

The best solution, said McFreunolf, is to floss once per month, during the wolf stage while the canines are exposed, but the challenges of lycanthropy make that exceedingly difficult.  "Though I can get some of the larger chunks out, it's terribly difficult to wrap the floss around my claws, and half the time I just wind up wasting most of it."  Still, no other solution has seemed to work, leading McFreunolf to conclude that the once-per-month flossing while in wolf form is probably the best that he can do.

The ordeal has begun to affect McFreunolf's personal relationships- particularly with girlfriend Ally Strauss, who recently commented that his death breath was making her 'goddam nauseous', and instructed him to sleep at the foot of the bed or wear a mask.  "Yeah, she usually just says 'Don't touch me' and bugs me about what shirt I'm wearing and that kind of stuff most of the month until the full moon.   Then it's game on, which is nice, but I do wish we could at least spoon or something from time to time," said McFreunolf.

Others, such as co-worker Jim Torano, have been more accommodating, indicating his support of Gary's "awesome" malady and offering to set up a Go-Pro for his monthly rampages around the Springville area.  "Gary's my boy!" exclaimed Torano, despite that he has repeatedly refused to allow McFreunolf to join him when clubbing or otherwise seeking out potential single ladies at the local bar.  Another perspective came from Virginia "Ginny" Walker, who works at the neighboring Coffee Planet.  "I know his breath is brutal," said Walker, "but he's a nice guy and tips well, so I don't mind not turning away when he talks.  I just try to discretely hold my breath and murmur 'Mmm hmm' after he gives his order, and that kind of stuff.  And to not breathe in.  It's just so awful."

McFreunolf's dentist, Dr. Brian Silberg, offered to surgically remove the retractable canines and clean out the decomposing puss and other materials, but the procedure is not covered by insurance and, to date, Gary has not been able to afford it, though he indicated that he would again look into possibilities during next year's human resources Open Season.  Stated McFreunolf, "Since Obamacare passed, I thought I'd be able to undergo Dr. Silberg's surgery- especially because this is obviously a pre-existing condition and those things are supposed to be covered now.  But the lady from Blue Cross said I needed the supplemental dental plan, and her supervisor was a bitch."

Recently, Olive Garden patrons have complained of a "dead cow" smell during McFreunolf's shifts, and some have started to dine elsewhere.  Restaurant owner Jimmy Houplick expressed his frustration about the decrease in his bottom line and even threatened to fire McFreunolf if he could not resolve the problem.  "It's pretty bad," he said. "I don't know how [Strauss] even sleeps in the same apartment as him.  His mouth is like a chemical weapon!  Agent Orange!"  Houplich began to laugh to himself.  "Biological warfare!  Get under your desks!  Attack!  Attack!!"


Update: during the recent (July 19) full moon, having been laid off from his job, while in wolf-mode McFreunolf reportedly broke into a local Rite-Aid and ravaged the Scope display, biting into each container and drinking the contents.  After consuming all of the mouthwash in the store, he became inebriated and curled up to sleep next to the stuffed animals in Aisle 4.  After a short stint in jail for indecent exposure, he was most recently able to acquire employment with TSA screening carry-on baggage at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

New mother informed that baby's first smile actually just gas

A nurse at the Metro San Antonio Pediatric Care Facility kindly informed Sharely Browning that her 2 month old baby girl's apparent smile was actually just an unthinking, physiological reaction to indigestion and gas.

"I was so relieved", explained Browning afterwards, "I've been hoping [Dana] would turn out to be a repulsive, gaseous little bitch.  I couldn't be more proud!"

Dana drank 3.5 ounces of formula and passed out for the remainder of the morning and was therefore unavailable for comment.