My white tube socks are polyamorous

 

Juber: a new Jews-only rideshare service

[New York] The Uber Corporation announced a new spinoff company today: "Juber" which will provide exclusive rideshare services to Jewish riders.  After several months of trials, the initial multi-city rollout is planned for Brooklyn, Miami Beach, Chicago's North Shore, and to and from Hymie's Deli in Philadelphia.

"It's a mitzvah!" exclaimed test passenger Rhoda Goldenblatt. "The driver was such a mensch--he came all the way into the airport to pick up my bag for me and then had a bowl of Ingberlach waiting in the car." Added Rosenblatt, "Now I don't have to drive in traffic when I want to go take my Boubi to her hair appointment!"

According to the Juber website, the new platform includes discount rides to bagel stores, a zero-tolerance policy for meshugenah drivers, and user-driven flexibilities, such as the 10%, 12% or 15% tip options. Additional perks include options for kasha-fragranced vehicles, "First in Line" priority pickup for Silver Elite members and above, Asheknazi trivia, and free rides for anyone able traveling to a JCC.  

"I had a really great experience with Juber," shared Evanston resident Jerry Rubenfield. "Not only did [driver] Ira and I find out we had a distant cousin in common, but I was also able to pick up a business card for the moyle we wound up using for my grandson's bris. He even told me about a way to make chopped liver without using schmaltz that tastes just as good!  I told all my family to start using Juber."

Feedback for the new rideshare service was most positive with parents of middle school-age children who reported great excitement in the opportunity to 'put their kids in a damn car and take themselves to all the bar mitzvahs so they could kick back and watch a baseball game for a single goddam weekend.' [paraphrased]

The Barnacles of Narnia

 

Area barrista forced to endure third hour of local folk-tap dancing-Americana duo, "Tappentime Turpentine!"

[Iowa City, IA] Stuck behind the Beans & Brews drink counter for the duration of Tuesday evening's event, local barrista Sean Bradshire barely managed to withstand the over-amplified, sappy-sweet set from local musicians and performers "Tappentime Turpentine!".  Known for their unique, vaudeville-esque blend of family-friendly folk covers, throwback clothing, and off-tempo tap dancing, the garish act pushed into its third hour, oblivious of the increasingly vacant coffeeshop and pained expressions of all those within earshot.  Grimaced Bradshire, "Jesus, when will it end? I keep hoping someone will come in and order a smoothie so I can drown that shit-garbage out with the blender."

Donning grey, turn-of-century sack coats, flat caps, bright makeup, and sparkling purple tap shoes, Tappentime Turpentine! lead singer Merrell Flynn's inflappable wide smile didn't falter as she eagerly stumbled through their cover of the Croce classic, "You Don’t Mess Around With Jim" whie prancing around the makeshift stage in the corner of the shop, causing local patrons to nervously avert eye contact and pretend to text.  Others packed up laptops and to-go cups and attempted to surreptitiously exit the cafe.  Bradshire left the espresso steamer on for three straight minutes while talking to a handful of customers in the far corner.

Unconcerned, Flynn boldly led the duo into their third hour of music and dancing with a lively version of "If I had a hammer" set to waltz-like prancing and the occasional kazoo.

"Aren't they magnificent?!" adored opening act, the "Avant Guards of Nottingham Forest", sitting at a roundtop near the front.  "I'm just so proud of [Flynn].  It was her dream to leave [Gregor and Fitch Law Firm], and she did it.  She followed her passion!  You go get ‘em, girl!!"

Bradshire was last seen heading out the back door for a “quick smoke break” that lasted through the final 45 minutes of the show, sparing him Tappentime Turpentine!’s 16 minute rendition of “American Pie” and their failed attempt to get the crowd to sing along to “This land is your land” while Flynn flitted around the room in her tap shoes like a percussion fairy.